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HUNTING OF THE SNARK 



o :es 



The Professor's Dream. 



HI A PEOLOSDE Am FITS ACTS. , 

t * p 



Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1883, by Mar- 
shall L<)( KK. in the office of the Librarian of Congress, at 
Washington. 










^Dramatis * Person^;^^ 



Prof. P.onnv. Professor of Natural History in a New-England 

College: Aii old haclielor, whose heart has kept yonng beneath the 
wfiiteiting snows of forty-nine winters, who dreams a dream. 

IMiiLKNA 1). RLiTMEKis. A spinster landlady, still vigorously 

whipi)ing for the wary trout, who changes into a mermaid' at will. 

Vem's. The colored servant-girl, at Blithers'. 

DIOOENKS Brown The old. lame, colored college janitor, who is 

familiarly known as ••Corporal Dodge"--one of the college institu- 
tions — Who is dreamed into a sea-cook, and finally evolutesinto the 
True Prophet. 

r>AFAYKTTK. A lillle piece (►f India-rubber, a nei)hew of janitor. 

who bet'oines llic ••l{esistam*e Cook" of the dream. 

Hkllman. The captain of the snark ship, whose navigation con- 
sists in constantly ringing a bell; the personage whcim the Pro- 
fessor dreams that he is. (The title of the principal character in 
r.ewis Carroll's nonsense book entitled ''The Hunting of the 
Snark." verses of which so keep running in the Pr(*fessor*s head, 
owing to its extreme popidaiity at his boarding-liouse. that he 
trembles for his reason. At this juncture, having been strongly in- 
sisted u|)on to be the "Bellnian'* at a parlor "snaik i)arty" of the 
boarders, he flees for safety to his college class-roonu falls asleep. 
and dreams that he is the' b(»na fide Bellman, hunting the Snark 
with the <pieer crew of the book, while the janitor. Diogenes, fig- 
ures prominently as a thoroughbred sea -cook, dc.) 

BAKUI8TEK. I 

Beaver. I 

Banker. ^ Composing the aesthetic portion of the crew. 

Billiard-Makker. I 

thinguma.jig. j 

Bloomer. | 

Curly. I Practical --salt- boss" sailors. 

JncKKY*. A young sailor. J*AKY~ •^Hll**'^ BAKFR, 

Bo"su'n. Boatswain in dream. ^ 

Dodge. Chef de Cuisine 

Resistance. The "resistance cook" under Dodge 

Codfish. \ .,, 
Boots. .I^^^^kys. 

Hop. The Chinee Pantryman. 

Dismal Smith. The brown-skinned Messman. 

NN^i<T(iiNS. A Tiue Prophet |daving in hard luck. 

>[KRMAn) Qlekn. Up from Atalantis on a lark. 

Natives, Mermaids. Soldiers, &c. 



U t iC - CI 



1)^'l 



itC!3t:X-— Scene I. 

Professor Bonny' s room at Boarding House. Enter 
Professor, seats himself. 

Prof. Well, well, this is more than I bargained for. 
But if ye sow tares, tares shall ye reap; but who could 
have foreseen such ripping and tearing around in a quiet 
New England boarding-house as has been inaugurated in 
this one. Why, they're all tore up. It's Snarks for 
breakfast, Snarks for dinner, Snarks for supper, Snarks fcr 
luncheon, Snarks for tea ! But I've myself alone to blame 
for bringing the book into the house. All week long 
in the lecture room the verses have been running in my 
head with a mechanical regularity. Mixing those con- 
founded Snarks and Boojums Avith ichthyosauri and 
ascidians. Nervous affections of this character have been 
known to drive people out of their reason. I had better 
leave, perhaps. All out of charity I ventured a few quota- 
tions to dispel the prevailing gloom of table-talk about the 
May Flower. The idea took with the boarders, and now 
they've all got it. The staid old spinster Philena Blithers, 
the model prim Nev/ England landlady's got it. Safronia 
Blithers, likewise, has it, and now Venus, the colored maid 
servant's got it, and I'm going to get out! You can hear 
nothingthe whole day long but (mimicing.) 

"Yon may seek it -with thimbles, 

And seek it with cnre ; 
You may seek it with forks and hope; 

You may threaten its life with a railway share; 
You may charm it with smiles and soap. 
But oh, beamish nephew, beware of the day, 

If your Snark be a Boojum !--For then-- 
You will softly and suddenly vanish away 

And never be met with again !" 

And that's what's the matter with my SnarK-It's aBoojum!- 
and I'm softly and suddenly vanishing with softening of the 
brain! The Boojum got in it's work and I did'nt know it I 



'Twas funny at first — Funny for weeks — Amusing for 
monihs. But there's such a thing as too much of too- 
much-itiveness, which fact this household don't seem to 
"get onto" as hard as I'd Hke to see. 

I can see nothing for it but to resign my chair and take 
a trip to fresh fields and pastures new. This thing of liv- 
ing in a house with eight or ten cranks — all cranks on one 
and the same subject — is too much to expect. If it was an 
ordinary institution for the insane, or an institution for or- 
dinary insane, there would, at least, be some variety. 
(Knock at door.) I think, on the whole I'd better start 
for an asylum. Enter Venus. (Hands a note.) 

Venus. Heahs a note fom the Blitherscs. 

Prof. From the Blitherses. (Reads aloud ) 
Dear Professor: 

We all arranged at tea to give a Snark Party in the 
blue parlor this evening. It is strictly a house affair. 
Each one is to come in the grotesque costume of some one 
of the characters of the book and commit such verses as 
belong to the part. The character of the Bellman has 
been assigned to you. As the hunting cannot proceed with- 
out the Bellman in command, we trust you will not 
fail us. Yours in sincerity, 

Philen.v D. Blitherses. 

Prof. (Groans.) D. Philena! 

(Venus laughs and says) Oh, Pafessa wat you a sayen? 

Prof. Venus, go out please. I want to cuss. 

Venus. Go on Pafessa, doant back out. Dey all can't 
ketch any Snark without a Bellman. 

Prof, (unheeding) Oh, there's no escape, they'll 
drive me wild yet with it. 

Venus. You kin hunt it with thimbles! 

Prof, (angrily) That's enough Venus! Don't drive 



3 

me mad with the blasted drivel! (Soliloquizing) Go in 
costume! go in costume! 

Venus. I'll lend you a thimble, Pafessa, if you want it. 

Prof. A thimble! Yes, that's quite enough from you 

Venus. The idea of such a thing! What a nice mess for 

a quiet New England home! A Snark Party! Do you 

know anything about this affair? 

Venus. Yes, indeed! Oh, Pafessa Bonny; it's gis a 
croan to be livin fun. You'd die to see the two ole Blitherses, 
they're a goan to be mermaids, you know. 
Prof. What, mermaids? 

Venus. Yes, mermaids. Dizzy mermaids. Do you 
grab on? 

Prof. You don't mean it. Let us pray! (wilts) 
Nenus. (Laughing) Oh dey'se goan to look mighty 
sweet. You want to look out an not get mashed. Dey 
bin sewin' on scales on dey're tails for two days. 

Prof. Scale and tails! Shades of the Pilgrim Fathers! 
Venus. Yes, indeed, an you'd betta git a police to 
watch yo' heart w'en you see 'em. Das' all! 

Prof. When I see them? Yes, PU see 'em farther! 

Venus Oh, Pafessa, aint you awful ! 

Prof No, I'm not! (Writes.) 

My Dear Miss Blithers: 

Owing to circumstances over which I have no control, I 
will be compelled to absent myself from the deh'ghtful 
Snark Party this evening. Sincerely wishing that it were 
otherwise, and hoping that the party will prove-prove - 
What? Prove a lesson ! No, prove -prove- 
Venus. Bang up ! 

Prof. Pm writing this, if you please !--Will prove a 

complete success, I am yours, 

MicAjAH Bonny. 



Vfnus. (Laughing) What a name! 

Prof. (Thrusts note into Venus' hand) Never mind 
the name! You take that to Philena and say that I've 
gone out, mind you. 

Venus. All rite Pa'fessa. 

Prof. A little white lie, but here's something for you, 
to-morrow's Christmas. 

Venus. Oh, thank you, Pafessa. (laughing) I'll tell'a 
dat you's gone an hour. Little white lies doant count fo 
colud folks nohow. Dat's wat Dodgenes says, anyhow. 

Prof. Ha, ha. Well, don't stop. (Puts on hat and coat.) 

Venus. Give my regards to Cop'rel Dodgnes if you see 
'im Pafessa. 

Prof. He's old enough to be your father and married 
besides with a grown up family. You ought to be 
ashamed of yourself. 

Venus. Yes, but he's a sweet ole man jes de same, and 
and he's done promised me a pair ob silk hosiery fo' Chris- 
mus, an* I'm a goantomake 'im come totime wid 'em. 

ProF. Bah! Bah! get out of tliis. Don't talk about 
such things to me. 

Venus. (On her dignity) I said hosiery, if you please! 

ProF. Git, for heaven's sake! 

Venus. Oh, you's goan to miss all de fun. (laughing) 
De mermaids '11 be jes too, too (exit laughing.) 

ProF. Miss the fun! Yes, I rather calculate to miss it. 
I'm too delicate to stand viewing Philena as a mermaid. 
Philena, Philena! you withered verbena! A Bernhardt 
glove would make 'er an ulster. No, Philena. shape aint 
your forte. Your hold is conversations about the May 
Flower. But if you must go into the mermaid business, 
as a favor, let me pick you out a good lonely rock to bask 
upon. Oh, I'd find *er a daisy rock in the Indian archi- 



5 

peligo. Well, I shall just manage to have pressing business 
enough to keep me well clear of such tantrums, unless I 
wish to part with what Httle mental equilibrium I have re- 
maining. Such an evening as they propose and I'd go 
raving looney. So I'm off. (Goes to door.) ^ 

(A Knock — Prof, opens door.) 

(Enter Philena smiling.) 

Prof. (Aside) D. Philena! 

(Aloud) Ah, Miss Blithers! 

Philena. One moment, my dear Professor! We've 
just received your regrets, which we're not going to ac- 
cept: we will not allow you to say no! You must come! 
It's just in your line, you know; you can't fail to enjoy 
yourself, and we expect you to make most of the fun for 
us, as Bellman. You know the book so well; and oh, we 
could not think of sparing our Bellman, above all others; 
besides wc are not receiving any regrets. 

Prof. But, my dear Miss Blithers, duty first and pleasure 
after, you Know. 

Philena. It's no use, my dear Professor — I'll hear no 
excuses. It has all been arranged in your honor, and we 
have voted you our brave captain, our Bellman. For 
'twas you who first opened to us the enchanted pages, 
you know! 

Prof. (A.side.) Too true! Too true! 

(Aloud) I assure you. Miss Philena, that I ap- 
preciate the honor conferred; and I would indeed be a 
rponster to refuse upon such an occasion, but — 

Philena. Oh, I knew you'd come! You will be simply 
an ideal Bellman.— Now as to your costume!— 

Prof. (Aside.) I'm booked ! (Aloud.) Miss Blithers 
I had some business to attend to this evening, but I think 



that by managing a little this afternoon I can have the even- 
ing to myself. 

Philena. Ah ! I appreciate your acceptance all the 
more at the sacrifice, my dear Professor— And now the 
C(5stume-- Knowing your time to be so occupied, I have 
taken that responsibility upon myself. 

Prof. Oh, Pray do not think of such a thing. My dear 
Miss Blithers, I'm sure you're putting yourself to too 
much trouble ! 

Philena Quite the contrary ! It's a pleasure, indeed 
it is. Trust to mc-Here's the cap ! (Producing a striped 
woolen cap from her pocket.) 

Pkof. (Aside.) Well, that caps the climax ! 
Philena. It's a particular favor to let you wear this 
family heirloom. The favorite cap of our dear departed 
Uncle Hezekiah Blithers, of whom you have heard us 
speak, no doubt. 

Prof. (Aside.) No less than a million times! 

(Aloud.) A favor that I appreciate, indeed! 
Philena. I'm glad you like it! and the rest of the things 
which you'll ^need, I'll have aired, and laid out for 
you; and now, before you go out. Professor. Pll just tie a 
little reminder on your finger. (Ties ) 

There! Is that too tight? 
Prof. Oh no, that does very well. 
Philena. (Repeating.) 

'•The Bellman himself they all praised to the skies- 
Such carriage, such ease and such grace ! 

Such Solemnity, too ! one could see he was wise 
The moment one looked in his face!" 

"He had brought a large map representing the sea, 
Without the least vestige of land : 

And the crew were much pleased when they found it be — 
A map they could all understand." 



(Laughing) So don't forget to bring a map— and, as for a 
bell — the dinner bell is just the thing. 

Prof. Yes, yes, oh yes! 

Phil Oh the bell ! I see you ringing it now Professor ! 

(Exit Philena laughing.) 

Prof. Oh the bell, she sees me ringing it-Oh the hell 
she sees me ringing it! Well, (looking around) there's 
no one in the room! (Surveys the cap on all sides, and 
drops it.) Family heir-looms, eh ! Well that looms up a 
trifle too strong for me ! Second hand nightcaps and chest- 
protectors-niccly aired! No-thanks! no; no Bellman in 
in mine ! No Snarks for Micajah this evening-Good even- 
ing ! I'll go over and entrench myself in the lecture-room, 
(Puts a bottle in his pocket.) and put in the evening in a 
quiet, sane manner; like a civilized white man.-Snark party 
be--(Exit Prof, banging the door after him.) 



Fi^dum 



Scene 2nd. 

Professor Bonny' s Lecture Room in College— Blachh oar d 

covered with draivings of extinct animals— A pile of 

fossil hones in corner— Sheleton of a Gorilla 

near hlachhoard—Desh with a hell upon it— 

A chair— Cloch upon wall. 

Prof. (Pauses and listens) Now, who in the world can 
this be coming up stairs? It will suit me just as well, and 
better, perhaps, that no one should know I am here. 

(Steps behind the door ) 
(Enter LaFayette Singing 

"Dip me in de Golden Sea.") Well, I done beat de ole 
man heah dis ebenin, and if I doesn't friten de wool rite off 
my ole nigga Uncle's head, den I'se a billie goat, das all I 
Strike me will he ! Ya! ya! but I wuz too sooner fo him 
de fust time, and he come a woppo! and mashed out a 
window lite wid' his han' Ya, Ya ! and riled up de ole 
woman. Ya, ya! But I'll scar de life outen him dis 
ebenin! (Tries a step) I'll git diit step yet. Ah! Heah 
he comes! I kin tell dat ole game leg ob his'n a mile off! 
(Imitates Diogenes' limp, and gets underthe desk ) 

(Enter Diogenes with broom and dust brush— Takes off 
his soldier cap, and knots a yellow bandanna about his 
head, glancing furtively at the skeleton.) 

Dodge. Oh no, ole Death obber da! Dars no ust ob 
yo grinin at de ole Cop'rel; you nebba git a chance to 



9 
ketch hiiu in de dark! no'n deedy! De ole man's boun to 
do dis <^h()st-\valk fo' sun-set! De days done a gitten too 
short now to })ut off m doin dishanted place till de last one, 
and let de black night ketch him in heah, oh no! De ole 
Cop'rel knows all de moves ob yo' kindo' people! (sweeps) 
Um! You's nuffun nohow but a ole harmless lot of bones — 
ole harmless bones! Science tells me dat. Science! 
(A. slight noise.) Hi! Wat's dat noise? (clock licks ) 
Um! Pear to me dat clock a tickin' mighty loud. Um! 
Wat's dat clock cuttin up shines 'bout? Um! De ole 
Cop'rel don't git scart wid de like ob sich tings, no'ndeed, 
nor nuthun else! De ole Cop'rel *ll git up da, and stop yo 
ole ticka entirely fo' yo; Betta not be a comin' any yo 
siiines on a ole soja like Coprel Dodgenes. Um! He's 
got a wahreco'd, he is. A wah reco'd! and don't yo fo'get 
it! (sweeps) Whieu! (Imitates the sound of wind.) 
Listen to dat wind a howlin — Goodness, gracious! Dat's 
jes de way it come a talkin de night afta de battle, when 
all dem soljas was a layin dead. Um! Dis heah's a lone- 
ly place anyways; seem like dat ole fool Pafessa go an jes 
try to make de ugliest pictures on dat black-board he kin. 
Um! Dat man's plum gone crazy bout science, he is. 

Professor (Bows and Smiles) 

But de good Lo'd knows ole Dodgenes don't b'levc none 
ob dis y:i science dat he talks to deseya ineducated back- 
street niggas. No'n deedy. Dats all foolin, dat's jes to 
counfoun' de ign'ant cully hed niggas, das' all! Cop'rel 
Dodgenes name down in gold lettas. one ob de fighten 
soljas ob de Lo'd, an no ghost ken bodda de good chuch 
rne-nih.'ts, no'n deedy! (Sings) 

' ''Oh de Lo'd deliba'd Danyell 
F"oin de lion's den; 
Den if de Lo'd deliba'd Danyell. 
Oh wliv not o])])eri many" 



lO 

( L iKayettc is slowly moviiij^ ihe skeleton toward tiie desk) 
DoDGK. Yes, but drit aint de pint no' de question. 
Dat boy's got to do dts heah room; he's plenty big 'nuff, 
an' he's got to do't. De ole man's got 'nuff to do all de 
biLC rooms; an dis heah little small room dat LaFuyette's 
i^«)t to do an renda a little resistance bout tings. If he's 
skeert to come in heah, its high time he wuz a gitten obba 
sich boy's ways, and a makin a man ob hisself. De idea 
any way ob em a makin a regla boneyard ob dis room! 
Day all didn' hab 'nuff bones in heah already but dey mus' 
go yestaday an fetch dat in! Dey'll go dig up Judas 
Skariot to match ole Geeto obba da next, to try an see if 
dey can't outflank de ole cop'rcl, and see how much muss 
dey kin make in heah; but de ole Coprel aint gwine to be 
outflanked by a whole cart load oh sich, oh no! (Glances at 
skele; on and starts.) Fo' degood Lo'ditmoved! Oh now 
I lay me down to sleep! (Sweeping desperately and starts 
up the hymn again.) 

'-De Lo'ddeliba'd Daniel!" 
(LaFayette places the skeleton in the chair — points 
finger at Dodge — puts soldier cap on its head — rings the 
bell and disappears under the table uttering a sepulchral 
groan.) 

(Diogenes turns and sinks on his knees howling in firght.) 
Oh! oh my. oh! Mista solja! Oh Mista solja! I nebba 
stole yo' clothes! I only took em to keep fo' yo! Yo' 
CoprePs clothes! Don't harm me, pore ole Dodgenes, de 
ole iiigga cook ob de mess! Oh! don't harm me! (La- 
Fayette blurts out laughing.) Ya, ya! Oh yo ole fritened 
fool yo! Oh, I done caught yo dis time! Ya, ya! nuthur. 
but an ole cook is yo! Yo aint no Coprel, nuthun but a 
cook! ya, ya! (Rushes out, pursued by Dodge, broom in 
hand.) 



1 1 

Dodge. Oli you mean, contempt' ble, little houn' ob 
Satun ! 1 show yo, how to come a tryin' to play yo' tricks 
on dc oie man ! I show yo' ! T'iefs ! Robba's! Hidebindas! 
Curt'roats! Inta'iopa's ! (Clatter without--Professor emer- 
ges from behind the door, laughing ) 

PkOF. <.>h Dodge ! Dodge ! -But there's no use of your 
trying to catch him; Your old dodgeknees'll never dodge 
fast enough for that double jointed little rascal Well, Well, 
What an old Diogenes you are alter all ! With all your 
right-wheel flanks, and out-flanks, tactics and grand tactics; 
With all your dignity and shoulder-straps--to be nothing 
but a cook ! an old army cook! With all the science I have 
taken such pains to teach you--to be frightened half to 
death at a monkey's skeleton, and ghosts ! — But our old 
Corporal nothing more than a cook!— -How art the mighty 
fuilen! Ko-no. old Dodge, I've known you too long to 
thinK ol you as anything else than Corporal. We've sworn 
by you took loni^ lo gu back on you now; Why the reputa- 
tion of the college would decline were our Corporal discov- 
ered to be a fraud ! No, Diogenes, I wiil not give you away! 
Besides, after all is said, ghosts -in one way' or another- 
quietly sway most human affairs. Yes, such a test might 
well cause abetter corporal to go over to the enemy, to 
say nothing of you-poor, limping, old Diogenes! For al- 
though ghosts are not a part of the scientist's creed, yet 
supernatural fears are the inheritance Irom the ages toman- 
kind- black, white, red or yellow; Yes, yes, the world is 
wise-the world is brave-Hut from, behind the door one 
sees queei* thing.s ! (A noise without.) Ah, here he 

cumcs back; Hecould'nt catch the boy. (Takes up a book) 
(Enter Corporal- start;? on i^eeing the Professor ) 

Pkof. Good evenini^ Corporal. 



Dodge. VVy good ebeniii' rarcssa Bonny; Wy a w'en 
did \'OLi come in heah? 

Prof. Just now. What's this monkey's skeleton doing 
here, and what were you chasing LaFayette with the 
brooiii for? What's been going on anyhow? 

DoDGb: (Aside) Monkey skil'ton?- nionke\- skii'ton? 
Urn ! Well I is an ole fool fo' a shoo fac ! (Ak)ud) Y^u - 
you see nic a chasen dat boy? Wy a wha' wuz you at Pa- 
tessa? 

Prof. Why you botli passed me running. 

DoDGio Did we? Well, well, I nebba seed you Pafessa. 
1 jes' tell yo' 'bout dat skilton — dat monkey skilton: but a 
y.ili, yah! yo' jes' ot' to a bin heah a little while ago to see 
de fun I had wid dat boy an' dat monkey's skilton! ya! ya! 
(slapping his leg.) Oh you's come jes' too late to see de 
tun! ya! ya! 

Pkof. Yes, it looks like someone had been having fun 
in here. 

Dodge. (Aside) Um! (Aloud) Y.ai see, P.ifc ssa Pu.n 
ny,dat boy Lafeyet's fraid ob his shaddow, he is, an aiicrs 
bin sk::ert ob comin in dis room; an sol thot twuz 'bout 
time to git sich nonsense outen his head, an make 'im 
make a man ob hissef; I done fixed dat ole monkey skilton 
dat a ways--jes de way you see't- an den coaxed de boy in> 
and a ya! ya! yo jess ot to a bin heah Pafessa-I wuz a goan 
to teach de boy a little sciene, an 'splain de pictu's on de 
black ho'd, \ o know; but a my oh! ya! ya! De minnit he 
lay eyes on dat ole harmless monkey, he wuz out dat doo' 
like he's shot outen a gun, a hoUer'n yellen jes as you see. 

pROF\ He was laughing when he passed me 

Dodge. Laffen'? Yes, I reckon he wuz! He wuz plum 
crazv he wuz! 



13 

Pkof. You should'nt frighten a boy so badly, Corporal, 
he might not get over it. 

Dodge. Oh he'll git obba't all rite, Pafessa, I did'n 
scare him so bad as dat. But I'se goan put a stop to sich 
covva'd ways; iJe ole Coprel wont hab no cowa'ds 'bout 
him, no'n deed! i brek his little cowa'd back fo' 'im, I will! 
He run too fas' To dc Coprel's wounded knee pan, but I'll 
take 'im outen his bed dis night ob our Lo'd, an cut de 
cowa'd rite outen his system. 'Sides he's gitten too lazy 
an sassy anyways, an I'se gwinc to brek 'im in to renda de 
ole man a little rcsistunce. 

Prof. Certainly, Corporal, he should render you some 
resistance. (Dodge moves skeleton back, and shakes 
his fist at it.) ^^•- 

DoDGE. Yes, de idee ob him a growin up in ign'ance, 
impidence, an stan-up coUas! A wasten his time a playen 
base-ball wid de students, an a stealin out nights de debble 
only know whar! — a gettento be a regla night-1 awk lie is. 
But dars one ting, Pafessa, dat de Coprel cant an wont stan' 
an dat's a cowaM. De idee ob him degracen de fam'lyl 
What! No sah! I'se goan teach 'im a lesson dis day cur 
Lo'd he wont fo'git soon! Yes'n deed! 

Pkof. Oh, the boy'll get over all that, Diogenes, and 
be a Corporal himself yet. 

Dodge. He make a coprel! He aint goan to lib long 
nuff, he aint! No, no, Pafessa, de ole Coprel's gwinc to 
fix dat boy! Dam little rascal! Houn' ob Satun! Mean 
little sneak! I show 'im! Tiet! Robba! Cuttroat! Hidebindal 
Intalopa! (Exit Dodge in a pet.) 

Prof. Ha, ha! Well, white lies don't count for colored 
people. But I ought to have been here to see the fun! 
Nevermind, nevermind, Diogenes. Man is the. only animal 



^4 

that can lie, notwithstaiulini^" Aesop to the contrary. A 
hyena can laugh; but no animal but man can lie; and the only 
difference in this respeet between yon and I Coporal is 
that I'm a little nnore successful liar than y"U. th')ugii not 
abetter. But by this time. I suppose. Philena is griiing 
on the anxious seat. Knew I'd make an ideal Bellman, 
did she? Well, I will; I'll make a daisy! But I remain 
here, just the same. So go ahead with your Snark Party, 
Philena; the Bellman's perfectly willing. IPours a glass 
of spirits and drinks it off.) Well, well ! what a lot of ver- 
tebrates we all are. to be sure, embarked together in this 
gyration around the sun. hunting the Snark in a circle, 
with the solemn old Bellman. Custom, in command; and 
all going on with as much matter of- fact seriousness as the 
Snark hunting in that blasted nonsense book, with Bellman, 
Barrister, Beaver and all on board their queer ship. Yes, 
the world is very like that same old ship; and I be- 
lieve 'twas but the fascination of my old love^the sea— 
that caused such infernal nonsense to get such a hold upon 
me. at first Ah, little would one think that old Micajah... 
amongst the dry bones of the prehistoric period, had .ever 
"gone down to the sea in ships" and been a sailor in hisi 
young days! But often has "Old Bony," though not .so 
bony then, hauled tacks and sheets, buntlines and clewlinesj 
and sung the chauntay songs of the deep. What rare old 
songs they were ! Yes. and what rare fellows sung them, . 
too! Ah, old chums, where are yoi: mow! where^ indeed! 
and chief among all, Bosum Tom! You surely must be 
somewhere in some corner of the world! Your merry; 
voice has not gone forever ! No.no, methinks I see yif^Ur 
eye twinkle, as of old, though beneath a snowy brow., as 
you spin. your cuffers- in the snuggest, corner of the. Snug 



Harbor. 



»5 

so, Tom ! 



May it be so, Tom! Even now your voice 
rings o'er departed years, in my old favorite, "Ranzo." 
(Repents the words, slowly ) 

Oh. 'tis of the roving: Kanzo. Kanzo, boys! Kanzo. 

He shipped on board of a whaler, Ranzi^ lioys! Kanzo. 

He eo'ild not do his duty. Kanzo, bovs! Ranzo 

Now the mate he was a bad man, Ranz >, 

He sent him to the Bosun . 

Now the Eiosun being a bad man. 

He g-ave him flve-and-twenty, Ranzo, boysl Uanzo. 

Now the Captain being- a good man, 

He took him in the cabin, Ranzo. 

And g-ave him pipes and baccy. 

And taug-ht him navigration. 

And now he's captain of a whaler. 

(The orchestra begins a iow accompaniament, and the 
Professors head drops on his breast — a transparent scene 
discloses a blue sea with a full -rigged ship — Music and 
picture slowly cease and fade — The Professor snores — 

My name is Puck, I've met you before; 

I knock about Earth.' and have fun galore; 
As knowing and jolly as ever, you set-. 

Such fools to amuse one tiiese mortals do be ! 
Both day-light and night-time my fun I pursue; 

For the matter of sleeping, so common to you, 
1 do not require, and seldom turn in, 

Unless I've bem boozen' ambrosial gin. 
And then forty winks is all 1 require. 

Curled up on the point of Trinity spire; 
And whil'st drowsy mortals are snoring to beat- — - 

I whisk 'em up dreams by recipes neat. 
And that Puck's a bad sprite, I've heard no one say; 

Tho' the same pranks I played long before Shake- 
spoke's day; 
In Athens, and Rome, London, York, andTirabuc, 

All own that thejollicst sprite's little Puck. 



■i6 

l^rurdiug to sleeping Professor) 

Now here's a savant, both old and graj, 

Who. in the walks of Science, many a day, 

Has led the youthrul mind, mid hopes and fears, 
Hy pleasant paths, this score of busy years. 

I with our Fair\- Queen did intercede 

To give to hini the old Snark book to read; 

Vo give his rutted mind a turning over. 
And turn, as 'twcr, this oer wrought work-horse into 
clover. 

And now I'll fix him for a jolly dream; 

And long before the break o( morrow's be:»m. 
He'll be upon the merriest kind of lark, 

Himself the Bellman who shall hunt the Snark." 
(Trips to Professor's side and. whispers in his ear, etc ) 

(Exit Puck.) 
(Curtain. ) 



r. 

ACT ^. 

Scene on decJc of a ship— A companion -house 

—sJcy -light— mast, with ropes and ratlins running 

up from each side— Main-yard with sail furled 

—Mail with belaying pins— A low table with 

a pin-cushion upon it — A Billiard- Table — 

Coils of rope, etc— Curtain rises, with 

sailors hauling and singing. 

Bos. Oh haul on the bowlin', 

And keep the vessel rollin'. 
(Chorus of sailors hauling together at close of each couplet.) 
Away! Haul away! 
Haul away Joe. 

My Josie is my darlin'; 
I love her in the mornin'. 

I love her in the evenin' 
I love her in the mornin' 

Oh once I was in Ireland 
A diggin' turf and taties; 

But now I am on shipboard 
A haulin' lifts and braces. 

Ot all the jolly voyages 
I ever went a fishin'; 

To hunt the Snark's the jolliest, 
As I'm a bloomin'Christian! 

Bos. Belay my hearties ! 



i8 

(Eater Bellman, ringing his bell, and fol 
lowed by the Banker, Barrister, Beaver, and Billiard- 
marker. Beaver seats itseU on deck before the table, and 
begins making lace. Billiard marker goes to practicing.) 

Bell. Just the place for a Snark, and the weather is clear! 
Methinks 1 can hear It at play ! 
Quick — four of you get to the kelson, and steer, 
The rest can have dog watch to-day: 

Excepting our Beaver, as you will observe, 
Will, of course, take his Beaver-watch too; 

And all without watches, I'll endeavor to serve. 
As soon as the voyage is through. 

Just the place for a Snark I 1 have said it twice; 

That alone, should enco^urage the crew; 
Just the place for a Snark 1 I have said it thrice — 

What I tell you, three times, is true. 

Crew. He has said it thrice 

What he tells us three times, is true. 

Bell. You each will advance, in single-file. 

As you hear yourselves mentioned by name. 
We'll try to do all things in seaman like style 
As we sail both for profit and fame. 



Crew. (Repeat last couplet.) 

Bell. The Barrister brought, to arrange the disputes, 
I hope has his brief-bag well filled. 
And also the lowly, though honor'ble Boots, 
Is on hand, all properly frilled. 



19 

We are now near the spot, if my bell rings aright, 

Where the Bandersnatches fly, 
When they shape their course 

Sou 'west by North, and fly Nor'easterly. 

(Enter Thing-um-a-jig.) 

Crew, (laughing) Hello, Hi! What-you-may-call- 
'em! What's-his-name ! Hello Thing-um-a-jig! Oh, 
Fritter-me-wig, how are you? 

Thing, (vacantly.) Splice y'er main brace ! Ship ahoy ! 

(Steps on the Beaver's tail.) 

Bos He will answer to Hi, or any loud cry. 

Such as Fry- me ! or Fritter-me-wig! 
To What-you-may-call-'em, or Whats-his-name, 
But especially Thing-um-a-jig. 

(Crew Repeat in chorus.) 

Bos. He had forty-two boxes, all carefully packed, 

With his name painted clearly on each; 
But since he omitted to mention the fact, 
They were all left behind on the beach. 

(Crew repeat verse.) 

Bos. But the loss of his clothes hardly mattered, because 

He had seven coats on when he came. 
With three pairs of boots, but the worst of it was 
He had wholly forgotten his name 

(Crew repeat.) 

(Bellman passes his hand over Thing's, phrenological 

bumps ) 



20 

Bell. Though his form be ungainly, his intellect small 

— Twill pay you to hear this remark — 
His courage is perfect, and that, after all. 
Is the thing that one needs with a Snark 

(Crew repeat last couplet, and Thing, appears to be 
speaking to Bellman.) 

Bell. He jokes with hyenas, returning their stare 

With an impudent wag of his head; 
And he once went to walk, hand-in-hand with a 

bear, 
Just to keep up it's spirits, he said. 

(Crew repeat verse.) 

Crew. He will answer to Hi, or any loud cry. 
Such as Fry- me ! or Fritter-mc-wig! 
To What-you-may-call-'em, or Whats-his name, 
But especially Thing-um-a-jig. 

Bell Come listen my men, while I tell you the main, 

The five unmistakable marks 
By which you may know, wheresoever you go, 
The warranted, genuine Snarks. 

(Crew repeat last line as they crowd 'round Bellman.) 

Bell. Let us take them in order. The first is the taste 

Which is maegre and hollow, but crisp; 
Like a coat that is rather too tight in the waist, 
With a flavor of Will-o-the-wisp. 

(Crew repeat last couplet.) 



21 

Bell. It's habit of getting up late, you'll agree 

That it carries too far, when I say, 
That it frequently breakfasts at five o'clock tea, 
And dines on the following day. 

Ckew. It frequently breakfasts at five-o'clock tea, 

And dines on the following day. 

Bell. The third is it's slowness in taking a jest, 

Should you happen to venture on one, 
It will sigh like a thing that is deeply distressed, 
And it always looks grave at a pun. 

(Crew repeat verse.) 
Bell The fourth is it's fondness for bathing machines, 

Which it constantly carries about; 
* And believes that they add to the beauty of 

scenes. 
A sentiment open to doubt. 

(Crew repeat verse.) 

Bell. The fifth is ambition. It next will be right 

To describe each particular batch; 
Distinguishing those that have feathers andbife, 
From those that have whiskers and scratch. 

(Crew repeat verse. ) 
Bell. For although common Snarks do no manner of 

harm. 
Yet I feel^t my duty to say, some are Boo- 
jums 
Good people what is your alarm? 
Oh, Fry-me has fainted away! 



22 

(Filing, faints at mention of Boojums — All crowd around 
him — The Beaver displays great anxiety and rushes 
around generally — Bellman rings bell in his ear. and all 
repeat with him.) 

Oh rouse him '^vith muffins, and rouse him with ice; 
Oh rouse him with mustard and cress; 
Oh rouse him with jam and judicious advice; 
Oh set him conundrums to guess. 

(A plate of muffins is held under Thing's, nose — Crew 
repeating lines the while — He recovers, seizes plate and 
goes to devouring muffins.) 

Bell. Come, rouse up my man, and li>>t. if you can. 

Don't act like a lunatic slark! 
Remember your courage! Remember your 
cause! 
Remember you're hunting the Snark! 

(Crew repeat verse.) 

(Thing, eating while speaking.) 

Thing. Oh if you keep silence, I'll try for to speak, 

And my sad tale endeavor to tell. 

Bell. Come, let us have silence! Not even a shriek! 

Can't you see that I'm ringing my bell ! 

Let's have silence supreme — not a shriek nor a 
scream, * 

Not even a howl or a groan; 
Let the man we call Ho, tell his story of woe 

In his antediluvian tone! 



23 
Thing. My father and mother were honest tho' poor — 

Bell. Skip all that, and try to make haste 

If it once becomes dark, there's no chance of 
a Snark, 
And there's hardly a minute to waste. 

Thing. I skip forty years! Tho' it cost me these tears, 
And proceed without lurther remark, 
To the day when you took me aboard of your ship, 
To help you in hunting the Snark. 

A dear uncle of mine, after whom I was named, 
Remarked when I bade him farewell. 

Bell Oh skip your dear uncle! Your uncle be 

blamed! 
Always skip when I tingle my bell! 

Thing. He remarked to me then — Did that dearest 

of men — 
If your Snark be a Snark, that is right, 
Fetch it home, by all means, you may serve it 
with greens; 
And it's handy for striking a light. 

Crew. He remarked to him then— did that dearest of 

men — 
If your Snark be a Snark, that is right, 
Fetch it home by all means, you may serVe it 
with greens, 
And it's handy for striking a hght. 
Bell. You CAN serve it with greens! To be sure, by 

all means! 
It IS handy for striking a light. 



ilh thimbles, and seek it 



24 

Thing. You ma> seek it 

with care; 
You may hunt with forks and hope. 
You may threaten its \\(g with a railway share, 
You may charm it with smiles and soap. 
Barrister (mysteriously ) 

You may seek it with judgments, subpoena 
with care. 
You may hunt it with warrants and writs 
You may threaten to make it your legal heir; 
You can coax it with cognovits. 

Banker. You may seek it with interest, and seek it 

with loans. 
You pursue it with mortgage and lien, 

Chuck it under the chin with a government 
bond, 
And call it your sweet sixteen. 

(Crew repeat verse.) 

Bell. That's exactly the method, so I've been told, 

Your uncle, at least, has not lied. 

That's exactly the method I've always been 
told 
That the capture of Snarks should be tried. 

Thing, (with great agitation.) 

But Oh beamish nephew, beware of the day 
If your Snark be a Boojum! For then 

You will softly and suddenly vanish away 
And never be met with again ! 

(Crew repeat verse.) 



25 

Thing. It is this ! It is this! That oppresses my soul 

When I think of my uncle's last words 

And my heart is like nothing so much as a 
bowl 
Brimming over with quivering curds. 

It is this ! It is this! — 

Bell. We have heard that before ! 

They all of them heard what you said ! 
Thing. It is this. It is this. Let me say it once more. 

It is this! It is this! That I dread! 
Ckew. It is this! It is this! Let him say it once more, 

It is this! It is this! That he dreads! 

Thing. I engage with the Snark every night, after 

dark, 
In a dreamy delerious fight: 

I serve it with greens in those shadowy 

scenes, 
And I use it for striking a light. 

Ckew. He serves it with greens in those shadowy 

scenes 
And he takes it for striking a Hght. 

Thing. (In agitation.) 

But if ever I meet with a Boojum! That day, 
In a moment of this I am sure, 

I shall softly and suddenly vanish away, 
And the notion I can not endure ! 
Bell. We should all of us grieve, as you well may 

believe. 



26 



It you never were rnet with again — 

But surely, my man, when the voyui^e began, 
You might have suggested it then! 

(Crew repeat verse.) 

Bell. Ah! What-you may-call-em 'tis sad 1 allow, 

li only you'd spoken before! 
It's excessively awkward to mention it now 
With the Snark, so to speak, at the door. 

(Crew repeat last couplet.) 

Bell. We should all ol us grieve, as you well may 

believe, 
If you never were met with again. 

But surely, my man, when the voyage begait 
You might have suggested it then. 

(Crew repeat verse.) 

Thing. You may charge me with murder, or want of 

sense, 
We are all of weak at times. 

But the slightest approach to a f.ilse pretence. 
Was never among my crimes. 

Cqew. But the slightest approach to a false pretence. 

Was never among his crimes. 

Thing. I said it in Hebrew, I said it in Dutch. 

I said it in German and Greek. 

But I wholly forgot, and it vexes rhe much 
That English is what you speak ! 

Crew. He said it in Hebrew &c. 



-/ 
Bkll. ' ris a pitiful talc, and cle^r on its face 

Without need of a further word. 

But now that you've stated the whole of 
your case 
Moredc-bate would be simply absuid. 

The rest of your speech, my jolly, whci: 
We've leisure, you shall speak it. 

But the Snark is at hand, Let me tell you 
again 
'Tis your glorious duty lo seek it. 
Thing. But oh beamish nephew, beware of the day, 

If your Snark bo a Boojum, For then 

You will softly and suddenly vanish away, 
And never be met with again. 

(Covers his eyes, and falls to his knees as the vision of 
of his uncle appears, sitting up in bed, giving his warning.) ^ 
[A transparent scene — See cut in book.] 

Bell. Break off this painful scene, Bosun! Haul 
away on some rope or other, and give us "Ranzo!" 

Bos. Aye, Aye! Your Grabhooks ! All hands get to 
the ropes here! Look alive, me buccoes! 

Bell. Take a belayin' pin to 'em, if they won't go, and 
club Yankee Doodle out of 'em! 

(Bellman runs hither and thither, ringing his bell- -Bosun 
drives all, Beaver included, to the roj;es; where the\ string 
out, and haul and sing with the sailors, in the choruses) 

Bos Haul aft there on the fore de gallant braces or 1 
sthruck ye over the head wid the double-tackle-block ) e 
lubbers! ' Now, steady as she goes, lads! (Starts singing 
,,Ranzo,,- -Bellman goes aloft, and rings his bell as they 
sing. [See cut in book.] Curtain. 



ACT SS.' 

Scene heloiv deck in cooh's galley— Coohing'ran^e— Pots, 

pans, and utensils hung up— Dresser— A wooden bench 

— A lighted lantern swinging overhead — A shy~ 

light— Vessel gently rolling— Time, early 

morning— Boots and Codfish talcing their 

coffee. 

Boots. And so, Codfish, they tell me that you are a 
town-poet. Do you deny the allegation? 

Codfish. Yes, good Boots, such was Ibefore I was 
translated. 

Boots Translated? Shanghied, you mean. 

Cod. Well, Shanghied or translated, here I am! 

Boots. " Yes, but what are you, now you are here? And 
don't you wish you wasn't here? 

Cod. Indeed, good Boots, and I wish I were dead ! 

Boots. Ha! ha! Well you shouldn't let the old cook 
make it as hard for you as that. He's nothin' but an old 
bluffer; Why don't you call 'im, and see w'at he's got? 

Cod. I know what he's got — He's got me till the end of 
this voyage; W'y he's got the temper of a roaring lion! 
I think he's without conscience, and would not scruple to 
add another to his already long list of maimings and murders. 
(Resistance enters— Cod. starts— he yawns and curls up 
on the dresser.) 

Boots, Well, you say you ivere a poet then? 

Cod. Listen, Boots: I, Codfish, with the badge of ser- 
vility around my neck, was, none the less, town-poet of 
Metropolisville; and as such honored and respected until 



29 

the occurrence I shall now relate: The church choir of 
which I was a member, produced the Opera of Patience; 
and to me was allotted the part of Grosvenor, to the Pa- 
tience of a gantling, corkscrew, old maid, soprano; who 
held her position owing to the influence of eight wealthy 
brothers. The performance went on well enough till Gros" 
venor's duet with Patience of "Willow Willow Waley," 
came on, when in the tender passage of "1 would fain dis- 
cover if you have a lover," by some unholy streak of uw 
luck, I said diskiver for discover. Hoping, however, that 
so slight a blunder would pass unnoticed, I deftly rhymed 
the next line with it, and out it came! I would tain disKivcr 
if you have a liver? Hey! Willy Waley oh. 

lio )i\s. Tliat let you out of town-poet's billet for that 
burg, 1 'sposc ? 

Cod. That let me out the back window! Eight bad 
brothers charged, as Patience shrieked and fainted, and 
one Grosvenor dived through a memorial window. 

Boots. And bobbed up serenely aboard ship . But 
how does your skull adapt itself to the scullery? 

Cod. Ah Boots! In this galley am I a galley-slave indeed! 

Boots. Peeling spuds, must be something of a change 
for you; But you'll soon get acclimated. No fear! 

Cod. No doubt, But never did I dream that proud and 
queenly ships contained such things as vulgar cook shops! 

Boors. It seems a shame; but .sailors, notwithstanding 
the intellectual character of spinning cufTers, do occasionally 
descend the level of bean soup and salt-hoss. Such is the 
stern cold fact! And thus, one by one, are the bottoms 
knocKed out of all our dear, pet fancies! 

Cod. But do vou think we shall catch aSnark? 



30 

Boots. The Bellman seems to think so. 

(Able seaman cautiously intrudes his head and enters.) 

1st A. B. Aye mate, will you just look at this now! 
The bloody fluunkies a settin' here a takin' their ease mon, 
like officers of the ship ahavin the best the ship affords. 
D'ye mind that now mate? Come, give an able seaman a 
sup, won't you ? 

(2nd A. B. enters, says nothing, but takes the coffee- 
pot and plate of toast and goes to eating.) - 

1st A. B. Here, here, come and look sharp me lad ! 
Don't be a makin' a hog of yerself ! Let a chum have a 
sup, wont you mon? Come, give us some of the tea and 
toast, mon alive ! 

2nd AB. Well aint you a foine lookin* auld shell- 
back to be askin' fur tay and twost? (Eating.) Sailors is a 
gettin' high-toned! The auld nagur cook's right enough. 

1st AB. Come! come! Chummie! Don't be makin' a 
hog o' yerself altogether. A proper low kick I calls it mate! 
And if it wasn't for yer gray hairs, I'd fix you for it prop- 
erly! So I would. (Poking the fire.) It's a good chum 
you are, certain! 

2nd AB. Thot's right, mate, poke up the coals, and 
make us a few slices! 

1st AB. (Brandishing the poker, as in sword practice.) 
Yes, I'll slice you! You little old dried up Landleagueryou! 

2nd AB, Ha! ha! Now an' what d'ye call thim motions 
yer a makin' now? Ye bloody, big, sod of a Limejuicer ye! 
Jist moind the Limejuice moves of 'im! Fur all the wurrld 
loike a big Shanghai rooster, a humpin' an' sparrin' around 
wid the gaffs! (Imitating his motions.) 

1st AB.^ Then I see you're not aware of the cutlas drill. 



31 

That's the Queen's Own style, mon! You did'nt know I 
was a soldier then! Aw mon, that's my trade! (Making the 
motions.) There's the cut, mon! and that's the thrust, mon! 
and, aw mon, thots the parry, do you see mon? 

2nd AB. Ah go jimp over the side an say: Here goes 
nawbody! Jist give auld man Curly the bit av a sthick till 
I show His Nabbs there, the Home Rule cuts! (Looking 
around for a stick.) 

1st AB. Come on with you then, sonny boy an* I'll 
show you a thing or two! Toe the line here ! 

2nd AB. Yis, in yer moind ye wuU ! 

Cod. Goc^ sirs, don't flight in here, I beseech of you. 
For ifanything's broken, it'll be taken out of my pay! 

2nd AB. (Looking him over.) Well I'm a son av an 
Irish lord! if you aint the rarest lookin' tluunky thot iver I 
see. Go crawl in yer bunk, ye auld Moses ye, an' take a 
nap! From your pay! An' do yez fluunkys git paid any- 
thing? I thought they carried yez along fur yer good looks! 
Now there, Queen^s Own! Sthand on yer detince!(Picks up 
the sky-light pole, and, holding it with both hands, lunges 
at 1st AB , whom he forces to the wall.) Defind yerself 
Queen's Own! Come! Toe the line! an' sthand up loike a 
man! Ye bloomin' hig beef eaten' Johnny Bull ye! 

Boots. Go in. Curly, you're doin' him proper! 

1st AB. Keep back! Keep off! 

2nd AB. Sthand up loike a man, an' let me poke the 
bloody Queen's Own rib out o' ye ! 

1st AB.€ I SMy, mate, fair play! Hi'veno chance hat all 
mon! Yer stick's too long altogether! I calls quits! I does. 

2nd AB. (Unheeding, and lunging as he talks.) Now 
thot's the Landleague cut! and here's the Home Rule parry! 



This is the Dubllr L^iard! And this is the IJnierick sashsh-.i! 
I hraw dune yer sard or I'll run ye through )er middle! 
Ve vvuz'nt aware that I wuz a sojer? W'y man, that's me 
thradel Here you, Moses, take me sard! 

Cod. Look out! here comes the cook! (Fxft Cod ) 
2nd All What! The auld lame Slush! I'm off then! 
Enter Diogenes, Chef de Cuisine. 
//'' appears in door, and pauseit a moment as if petrified at the night, then limps 
boldly after the retreating forces.^ filling the air with exxdamatiom of rage; picks 
up long knife and throioa at them, it sticking in the woodivork of door; takes up 
another, tvraps a toivel around his left arm, stands in door and goes to bluffing. 

Dodge. What! Sailo's? Tiefs! Robba's!! Cuttroats!!! 
Ilidebinda's!!!! Intalopa's!!!!! Loota's!!!!!! Whafl Fo'deLo'd! 
Git to de debble out a dis! (All rush out, except Resist ince' 
who is asleep.) What! (Chargino-.) De dirty ole shellhicks 
a comin' in heah 'mong de w'ite folk's cookin'! Whali I 
show yo' how to come in heah an' mess w'en I'se out! 
( Throws a knife, taking care not to hit anyone lu)wever.) 
Cone back heah ifdars mm a 'mong yo'! I ke.irve yo' 
Spanish style! Come back! come back an' let me cut yo 
heart out! What? I'd do't in a holy minute! W'ats dnt > o 
sayen'? Yo's lowed in i^alleys in odda shibs? Yes, well yo' 
aint in dis galley den! What? Dont call yoseffs sailo's! w'at! 
a lot ob ole bums an' tramps like you! W'at you Know 
'bout ship scrapin'? Sailo's? Urn: Done shipped de tin can 
brigade out dis passage! But dont come in my galley, look- 
in' fo' no empty beer kegs, kase I kearye yo liKe 1 would a 
chunk ob olesalt-hoss! (Turns, with a self satisfied .smile, 
and reenters galley talking to himself.) I reckon I got dem 
good an' blufTed any ways J (Catches sight of Resistance 
curled, up asleep on the dresser ) What! tryin' to sleep is 
y.o'? (Catches him by the seat of his pants, and drops him 



33 
on the deck.) Dar! you 'wake yet boy? I'll try an' see if I 
cant outflank yo' an' yo' sailo' frens. 

Resist. (Upon his feet instantaneously.) Gosh A'mity! 
Dodge. Yes it is gosh a'mity! Wat yo doin down on 
at deck boy? Git up fo' I seal' de wool off yo hed! Dar 
yo lay sleepin' leabin' me heah to do yo wok fo yo. Wat! 
aint yo wake yet? 'Sleep stannen up! Get on dat stock-pot 
an' stir dat scouse, an' look sharp! Quick's de wo'd an 
sharp's de motion! (Bustling about the range the while.) 
(Aside.) I dont like dat boy's looks noways— Got a mighty 
bad shaped fiten hed, he has jes' de same kind a bad 
stock in him as der wuz in dat little coon I see once butt 
two white men an' tree niggas a kicken.-Had a hed like a 
bullet iu\ couldn't be licked— Knock 'im down wid a brick- 
bat, an' he'd bounce rite up like injun rubba, a butten an 
knocken right an' left harda dan befo'; Dat boy's jes' an' 
odda pea out de same pod! An' it's got to be bluffo! bluffo! 
ifvve'sgwine trabble togedda.— Bluff's de only road fo a 
wise man to trabble in dis wu'ld obsin an sorrow 'Speshly 
wen yo's huntin' Snya'ks (Aloud.) Heah! Heah boy! 
You Resistunce! Wat yo mean by sich moves as dat! 
Dont be putten yo hed down Hke a hilly-goat, in dis galley! 
Dont try to make nobody roun' heah 'bleve yo's a bad but- 
ten nigga! Kase 'twont do wid me sunrise! I spHt yo hed 
open wid a meat axe, yo put it down at me son! I seed 
too many a yo kine a people in my time! Betta save all yo' 
butten fo Snyahks! Well? w'at yo stannen da fo, wid dat 
hash factory open? Cant yo find nuthun to do? Do I haff to 
tell yo every day over de same bloody tings to do? Jess 
keep on-Keep on Sunrise! you'll find out purty soon wat 
ship yo on! (Goes to take a drink, and finde his bottle al- 



34 
most empty— He breaks out in wails of rage.) What? Oh 
fo de Lo'd! Tiefs! Robbas! Hidebindas! Cuttroats! Inta- 
lopas! Lootas! What? I'se ruined- I'se robbed! Dey done 
gone come in heahr an looted f'om de ole man's bottle ob 
squareface! Fear an tremble! Fear an tremble! Dar's a 
gwine to be a stinkpot busted in HongKong dis day ob 
our Lo'd! Resistunce, who done dis deed? who done dis 

bloody deed? Hoi' on son -dont try to sneak out -You 
got bizness in heah now\ Come heah an look dis bottle o 
squar-face in de eye! (Shoving the bottle in his face.) 
Look it in de eye son! look't in de eye! W'atyo skeet ob? 
An empty bottle cant bite yo, can it? 

Resist. (Sullenly.) Bottle ainc got no eye! How cajt^ 
I look't in de eye? 

Dodge. Doan prevusticate to me my son, yo cant git 
out ob't dat way! Heah! Look dis bottle o squar-face 
squr in de face! Now dar! yo kin (^o dat I reckon. 

Resist. Go on way \yid dat bottle! I doan know nuthun 
bout't nor who drunk yo squar-face, I dont! 

Dodge. What's dat? Speak up! Talk boy! Dont unda- 
take to lie to rne sunrise! Dont try to tell w^^e yo doan know 
who twuz! Dont try to braid a mulcts tail! Ketch yo lyenio 
me, I scor yo mouf out wid sand an canvass! De good Lo'd 
knows dat dars room 'nuff in dat hash factry ob yo'n fo' a 
sailo' wid a squeegee! Come ya boy, an leve me smell yo 
breff! (Grabs hira, and sniffs, bnt is almost knocked down 
by the odor.) Whieu! whieu boy! W'y didn yo tell me 
yo'd bin eaten inyuns? Wat yo mean by sech akshuns 
ennyways? You a gitten too smart, you is j (Resistance 
chuckles to himself.) Look ya, Resistunce, doan tink dat 
yo can come play gentlemun wid nie an lay roun an poun 



35 

yo ear, an have me do de wo'ki — You doan know who yo 
'lono^ wid dis trip! Yo's done come shipmates wid de Ole 
Mail ob de Sea, dis passage! Look up! Look up heah boy! 
Dont tiaic yo can Keep yo stinkpots fom busten in heah! I 
bust em so de} Ml stinK clean obba de mainmast! Didnt see 
nobody in heah I spose! What! an de galley chucK full ob 
dirty tramps an sailo's heah! Hidebindas intalopasan lootas 
messen up de decK-drunK an fiten -a wearin out de bench 
wid dey nasty greasy ole rags! What? an you dat I trusted- 
you dat's heah to Keep em out -a layin dar poundin yo ear 
fo'ty Knots an hour; Wa'tyo come sign (o Resistunce Cook 
fo if cant do yo duty? Is / heah to do yo wo'k fo you? or 
is yo heah to do iny wok fo me? But no! Heah I comes in 
an find yo sleep! — a layin yosefout full length on de dressa" 
whar de white folKs vittles got to ^o\ TinK I gwine to 'low 
sich dirty ways bout my galley! (Blowing his nose, and 
wiping it on the towel.) What good yo spose yo is to me? 
If de Debbie h.id you, an I had de pawn checK, I wouldn't 
gib tuppence to git you out.- -No, yo cant slide tro yo wo'k 
wid me an Keep yo stinKpots fom bustin! Sleep? wy you'd 
sleep rite fro de day o judgment— wouldn't waKe up till de 
nex mornin ten o'cIock, same's usual, nohow! Well, wat yo 
stannen da fo? (Pauses, with arms a Kimbo, and eyes him 
with an ominous smile.) Is you de Resistance Cook, or is 
you passenga? Hadn't yo betta go up in yo state-room an' 
taKe a nap? Aint yo fraid you'll spoil yo clothes down in 
sich a nasty place's dis? Well den boy, if you cant move, I 
recKon ^ Jchi move you. (Grabbing him unawares, and 
cuffing him in bacK of the necK -puts a huge pot in his 
hands, and shoves him out the door.) Hum! I show yo an 
all yo Kind how to play gentleman wid me! yo bloody little 



36 

m >nKcy hidebinda you! Yo jes got vvid de rite man fo sich 
Kine tricKs-Corne take a good man's place will yo? What! 
/ show en? qIIj De bloody ciefs—robbas—cuttroats— hide- 
binds- -intalopas—lootars! (Complacently.) Dar, I reckon 
Igothim^W rite! Yes indeed! de ole Coprel bluff em all. 
Ya! ya! (Holds the empty bottle, and gazes at it ruefully, 
and shakes nis head, and repeats the folio .ving couplet sev- 
eral times very impressively:) 

Since man to man is ,?o unjust, 
I cannot tell what man to trust! 

(Changing to angry tone suddenly:) But de ole man'll 
send de bloody lo©ta to leward, whoebba he is! What! De 
Chief Cook's bottle? Soona o lata mista smartman! You'll 
git caught up wid! De ole man bin roun de co'natoo offun 
to low sech tricks as dat! Dey doan know wat a bad mule's 
tail deys a braiden, wen dey perzumes to come lootun fom 
de 0Z5 rnn'i's .s icred b^xtle ob holy squirlace! Somebody's 
stinK-pot goan to bust fo long! an she's a gwine to be a 
mighty mean stink pot when she do bust! Yes indeedy! 
(Rnter Dismal Smith— wiih u very basso chuckle.) 

Dismal. (ChucKleing obsequiously.) Good morning, 
Cook. 

Dodge. Good mo'nin yo'seff! Wat yo want Dismal, a 
comin in heah wid dat dismal chuckle ob yo'n, dis time in 
de mo'nin? Talk up, if yo got anytino^ to say. but doan stan 
dar an chuckle like a baboon!— yo'U git me wildl—What yo 
want in de galley anyway? I doan know wat bizness yo got 
Someone's gwine to get brought up wid a roun turn acco' 
din to de arorus an de demonstration! ^ show de bloody 
sailos an corn-fiel niggas how to come into 7?2,z/ galley 
wid deyre persumin! I do dusspise a persumun nigga 



37 

Dismal. I thought it was about time to dish up. 

Dodge. Dish up? Dish up? Git out a dis as fas as de 
Lo'd'll letyo! Dish up! Hm! I dish you up! Go on out, yo 
bloody sorrel nigga yo! Come get yo slop wen yo hears me 
call de rest o de pigs! Dont undatake to come in dis galley 
an bluff 777/6 kase yo a tryin sumpun dat nebba wuz done. Is it 
seben bells nowhy yo New Yo'k time? Kase it aint by my 
Nciv O'leans' time den! an dats de time dat dis galley goes 
by! — Dont want no persumun Abe Lincum niggas roun me! 
Fo de Lo'd! yo come walkin in heah like yo thot yo wuZ 
white folKs. Hum! Git to de debble out a dis! Yo'U find out 
dars a heap o diffunce ship scrapenfom bein a bloody hotel 
plate chaser ashor'! (Exit Dismal, chuckling.) 

DoDGK. (Soliloq.) De idee ob dat dismal coon a tryen 
to sliine up to Venus! De ole man's gvvine to make it hard 
fo dat hightone coon dis passage. I show 'imhow to try to 
cut de ole man out! Ef dcy tinKs dat de ole man aint a 
masha dey's a goan to go a long ways to leward! (Takes up 
bottle, and shakes his head regretfully. — Enter Ah Sam, cau- 
tiously looKing behind; he does not see Dodge sitting in the 
corner, who remains quiet, and awaits developments; Sam 
almost runs into him before Ije sees him-starts slightly, but 
Quickly recovers himself, and smiles sweetly — Dodge gives a 
significant grunt.) 

Ah Sam. Hello Cook! 

Dodge. (Grunts for reply.) 

Ah Sam. Man up deck want cup coff. 

Dodge. (Mimicing.) Man updeck want cup coff, Hey? 
(Aside.) Well, dis is beautiful, fo a sho fac'! De Chinese 
Empire's pooty ole, but taint ole 'nuff fo ole Dodgenes; No 
indeed! De ole man's too ole fo de Chinee Empire, an all 



38 

dey're stink-pots; Dey's berry cute, but dey aint quite cute 
'nuff! Dey doan Know wat dcy's tacKlin, wen dey comes 
bucKen agin, a ole Tiigga's time! Oh no! Dat'll Ketch up de 
oldest one 'mong em! Hum! Loot fom mi/ bottle, will he? 

Ah Sam. (Impatiently.) You no have maKe coff? You 
no have got? 

Dodge. (Mildly.) No, Sam, no have coff yet; but you 
good boy -You likee dlinkee whisKy? (Holding bottle out) 
Heap good! — Ole Dodgenes gwine take a dlink; — AUe samee 
makee you feel heap bully! Savey the boot? 

Ah Sam. No, cook, me no dlinkee wisKy— no likee— no 
good — me no dlinkee; me good boy — go Sunly schoo— alle 
samee Slavation Almee — singee song -you sabey? — You 
no have coff me go; Solong, cook. (Exit Ah Sam, singing) 

Dodge. (Smiling.) Well intalopas an hidebindas all haff 
to go back o de clock fo de pig-tails- Yo pooty slick Sam, 
but yo aint slick 'nuff to slide roun dis galley- Oh no, Sam> 
De ole man's bin roun de co'na too many times to low any 
pig tail to git to wind'ard ob 'imi I reckons I'se got one o 
two ole Cape-Hon' tricks stowed away, dat'll s'prise de 
Chinese Empirt! an Mista Ah Sam'll find his stink-pots 
bustin fore an aft, wen he git de ole Cook on his track! 
Enter Reststance. 

Dodge. Come ya, Resistunce! I'll show yo sumpun. 
(Goes to the range, and removes a lid, and with his 
finger, blacKs the mouth of the bottle with soot.) 
Dat, Sunrise, is a trick dat'll count yo a few points, if you 
Keep on ship-scrai)in ms long as I has; Dis is one ob de ole 
Cape-Ho'nahs—dis is!--One oh de tricks yo dont find out 
till yo bin roun' Cape Ho'n seben times — An I tell yo, rite 
heah, Resistunce, it'll take a heap olda man dan dar is on 



39 

dis ole flat-boat, to loot fom ole Dodgenes wid punacity— 
Watch me close now boy, an see how I do't. (Takes a drink 
and holds bottle up to the light.) Dar! (Smacks his hps.) 
Yo see, Resistunce. jes leve nuff in de bottle fo one drink-- 
dats de bait!-Den yo rubs on yo soot— so-acco'din to de 
arorus an de demonstration; Now fo de strat'gy, son-strat" 
egy!--Yo take an set yo pole in de most spicious place, an 
den keep quiet, an let't 'lone, an give de fish a chance to 
nibble, an twont be long till sly mista sucKa come along an 
take in de tidbit, an git brot up wid a round turn, 'wid de 
vvo'ds tief- robba-intalopa, an loota. wrote in black lettahs 
roun his mouf. Ya! ya! Dat trick got seben ho'ns on it's hed 
an'U hook up de man it goes afta ebbry time! (Suits action 
to words, and places bottle in its place.) Come yar boy, 
lets see it yo complexion aint gitten spiled, unda dese equi- 
latrul Sun.! (Draws his sooty finger across the boy's face, 
apparently, but making white streaK with chalk concealed 
in his hand.) Ya! ya! Well Fo' de Lo'd! If soot dont 
maKe a white marK on dot boy's face, den I hope I may 
nabba see de bacK o my neck! What? Good Ginny blood 

dar! Ya! ya! 

Resistance. (Rubbing off the mark.) Dont be a putten 

dat dirty soot on my face! 

Dodge. What's dat ,boy? Hum! I take an rub soot all 
obba yo body ef I want to!- You's a gitten altogedda too 
hedstrong-you is! Wait till we gits whar de SnarK is! Den 
we'll all git a chance to see wat you's made of. Der'll be a 
time come fo all dat. Sunrise! Jes keep yo jumpa on Resis- 
tncel an Keep yo weatha eye open fo de Snahk in dese 
watahs! an twont be long till you'll want to bo home wid yo 
good mudda! I'se a tellin you- 



40 

Rksist. (Aside.) Dat ole man a tryen to maKe mebleve 
I's a chile. Rub dat dirt on me- I recKon I wouldn't 'low 
dat asho', an I wont stan't heah much longa! I'll 'sert m.y 
sef, I willj-I'll sert my manhood! We's gwine come toged- 
da fo dis voyage obba! Kase I dont kecr how big a fighta 
he is, he aint hot 'nufif fo my nut wid dat game leg o his'n-' 
I wont low no cripple to cuff me aroun Hkc he's undalaken 
CO do. But wat's all dis talken bout sompun dey all calls 
de SnahrK? I nebba heerd tell ob enny sich nonsense enny 
whar! I'd like to know what's all about anyways! I jess 
'bleve I'll ask de ole man an fin out wat dey all means by't 
ennyways! 

Dodge. Well, boy! Fo God saKe dar yo stan agin doin 
nothun! Take yo bans outen de Captun's pocket! Yo mite 
Jess as well put yo han in de Captun's pocket, an take out 
so much money! Yo jes as much a tief wen yo steals time ez 
ef yo tuK an robbed a hen- roost ashor'. 

Resist. Ef yo please, Mista Chief Cook, I'd liKe to ask 
yo a quesshun. 

Dodge. (Affecting great astonisment.) Well, fo de Lo'd' 
a quesshun? a quesshuh? Fo de Lo'd de boy acKshully 
wants to lean sompun! Well, den go on an be quicK son, 
Kase I aint got no time to stop an talk! Yo knows dat boy! 

Resist. It's dis, Mista Chief Cook, 

Dodge. Dat's rite son, always put de tail to de name. 

Resist. I want to know, Mista Chief Cook, what it is 
dey calls de SnahK, dat dey's all talKen bout so much on 
dis ship? 

Dodge. (Aside.) Dam ef de boy aint got me now! 
It's bout time dat de ole man vvuz a gitten dis yar Snahrk 
Boojum bizness down hissef — It's some ole sea-yarn tho' I 



41 

rccKon fom some co'na o otlia' dat de ole man lubda run 
cross yet — But dat ole Bellman u\) dar, an dat crazy lot o' 
passenoras ^its way ahead o my time. But de ole man ain' 
a ^oan to dispo-e ob his ignance. ( )lt no! I'se started in. an 
I'll make em all tink I Knows mo" bout SnahKs dan de 
hole lot ob em ])ut togedda, I will. I'll maKC em bleve 
I'se a regla ole Snahka! (Aloud.) AVat's dat 

yo say boy? I wuz stirrin dat burgoo--Snahks? Did you say? 
Hum! Now dat's a fine quesshun to be wanten to know at 
dis sttge o de game-* Wat is a Snahk?*-An we sailen rite 
into de jaws ob de Snahk almos'! SnahKs! Hum! VVy boy 
SnaliKsl-Yo hears em all iaUdn Snahks up dar, does yo 
Weil yo nebba heahs me blowcn an talKen bout ennyting 
Does yo Resistance? t 

REsrsT, (Hesitating, and drawling.) N-o-o. 

Dodge. 'No'? Well I recKon 'tis 'no'! I aint de talk kind 
I ain't! Still watahs run deep, -my son. Das' what de 
good book scz, and } o kin gamble dat it's right, ebbery 
time. Snahks is it? Hem! yo heahs dat ole Bellman, up 
dar, atalkin snahks, does you? Well, I bet, wid all his 
talkin', dat I cooKcd hundreds whar he ain't seed one. 

Resist. Oh my! 

Dodge. What! Seed 'em! W'y w'cn I wuz out at de 
Flipisee Islands we fought a snahk fifteen days, an' den 
nebba Ketched it. It wriggled and swished abouc wid 
itS tail, till't stove in de side and biOKe off de main mast 
like twaz a pipe-stem. 

Resist Oh my! Dey mus' be awful cross an' savage. 

Dodge. Well, jes ain't dey den! What! I'se seed 'em 
so big dey'd swaller dis crafl and nebba winK. 



4t 

Rk:sist. VVl a*: dey look like, Mistah chief cook? 

Dodge What dey look like? What dey look like? 
My Law" but dey's ugly! Got a kinda green grab-hook 
eyes, wid alligato' tails. 

Resist Is wo i^^oin' after sich as dat? 

iJODGK. Sartinly we is! But what's de mattah wid yo, 
Resistance? Vou ain't gittin' skeert. is yo? Yo bettah not 
or yo'll be de first one gobbled up! I see one snap up tree 
boysjes 'bout yo size onc't — reached rite in de open port 
an' tuck 'em at one snap vv'en dey wuz asleep. (Resist- 
ance closes the port.) Heah, lebe dat port open, son! I 
wants a!I de air I kin git. Don't git skeert in heah. I 
won't hab you roun* me. I doan like keowards well 'nufi. 
I'll trade yo off to de Bosum an' let 'em make a sail*- ob yo! 
What yo come ship on a snahk ship fo' if yo's skeert ob 
snihks? What yc^ spec — dat we's goan afta a load ob coky 
nuts? Yo bloody little monkey hidebinda, yo! Skeert ob 
snahks is yo? Hem! What ef its a Boojum! What aen! 
You ought to jined de ship as paron, yo ought, 'stead ob 
Resistunce Cook! But for de Lo'd sake stir dat scouse, 
boy! yo'd stan' dar an' let me do't rite before yo eyes an' 
nebba make a move would yo? But yo'll be maKin' quicKa 
moves 'n dat fo* I git t'ro' wid yo! Stan' dar liKe a little 
niggahitchin'-post asho, an' its a good one yo'd maKe too! 
But yo'll nebba maKe a cook till de day of judgement! 
(Resistance stirs the scouse.) (Dodge aside.) Dar! I 
recKon I got my worK in den wid dat snahK story. Now, 
jesKeep yo' eahs open, ole man, an' twont be long till > o' 
fin' out all *bout dis snahK yarn. Dat Bellman up dar 
a ringin his bell! Hem! My private opinion is dat dey're 



43 

all crazy up dar, an' dat dis is a floatin' lunatic asylum, an' 
it'll taKe a heap vvisa man dan ole Dodgenes to guess enny 
nearer de truf, I tells yo! (P^xit Dodge.) 

Rksistance. (Stirring scouse ) III was only asho', 
I'd be vvillin' to be a hitchin* post for six months! VVat'll 
de gals all do w'en I doan come home agin! No mo 
dancin' on de head wid Karline Ferg'son, up in McCloud's 
Hall! De Golden Constelacion Club'l resolve dat Lafay- 
ette John Downs eat by snaKs, be voied motions of rcspec 
an' sympathy, and den de galls '11 all cry, an' poor Karline 
Ferg'son, wat'll she do? (Bracing up.) Hut ef Fse heah, 
heah I is den! An' Fll jes maKe it hard fo' enny snahK dat 
tries to gobble me— Fll lay mighty hea\y on his stomach 
an' maKe him tinK dat he's done swallowed de whole com- 
'ny of SKidmo's an' a brass band! 

(Dodge's voice heard without in tones of high dudgeon. 
Enter Dodge and JaKy ) 

1 CDGi . TinK 'twuz you dat stole de squa'face? No, yo 
doan Know good squar'face w'en yo see't. Not dat I tiiiK 
}'o's enny hoiiestah *dan enny de res ob de fliinkys JaKy, 
Ka (. yo ^ot .ill de bloody Kimmel dar wuz on de last ship 
yo' wuz on stowed away in your round- bottomed valise- 
I Know dat. 

Jaky. Ye?, I bought and paid m\ good hard money for 
what kimmel I got. 

Dodge. Yes, to hear yo tell it. But. no. I doan tink 
twuz yo, Jak}', yo Dutch is too ignant to drink good squar- 
face if its set right unda you nose. 

Jaky. There you go again about me, I see its no use 
to try. Fm gcttin' discouraged. Everybody a tryin' to 



44 

work ine out of my billet. I -.v :>ric like hell and then can't 
please nobody. .\n' its no wonder, neither, with all the 
tdlKin' that j^oes «»a 'bout me on this ship. 

Dodge. (Intones of mock sympathy.) P^or Jak\! 
Yo's ^ittin' discouraged is yo? Talks 'bout yo, do dey. 
Jaky? Nebha mind 'em wat dey sez. Yo's a dam site 
wiiss dan deni dat talks about yo, Jaky, so yo is, and dey 
all know it too; an' jes nebba mind *em Jaky, ole boy, nebba 
mind. 

JAKY. Thank you, Diogenes, it's the first kind word 
I've got on this ship. 

Dodge. Fo' de Lo'd sake, get to de Debbie, out a dis, 
Jaky, yo bloody ignant little Dutch simpleton, yo! What! 
yo'll kill me wid yo ignance, yet! Yo' would'n tumble ef 
a sailo' fell on yo' head clear down from de Royal truck. 

Resistance. How's dat, Jaky? Is yo' a dam site 
wuss'n dem dat talks about yo'? yah, yah! 

Jaky. There you all go again, poking your jokes on 
me, an' gettin' me down. It's no use, I see that. (T^xit 
Jaky.) 

Dodge. (Turning to Resistance ) Well, fo' God sake, 
wat yo' laffun at? Got yo' ban's in de Cap'un' pocket agin 
too! stealin' lime, yo' ought to be rich, long 'go, yo' ought. 
Dar's Jaky, he doe.-^ try, if he is Dutch, an' I gib him credit 
tor dat. Hut you. dnrs ho excuse for yo' actin' de way yo' 
do! yo' had two good parents. I knowed 'em both. Doan 
tink I's gwiiie to keep quiet fo'ebber and let yo' go on yo' 
way. Yo'll begin to heah my voice fo' long. I wont 
stay quiet always sunrise, min' dan. 

Resist. (Aside.) Quiet! Him a shootin' ofifhis hazz 



45 
like he do, an' den talkin' 'bout keepin' quiet. I bleve 
he's bluffin' an' I'll jes call 'im some time if he keeps up 
dis racket. (Seven bells strike.) 

Dodge. (Shouting.) Now dar, she blows mudder! 
Seben bells gone heah! Come, take away! Dish up! 
Quick's de word an' sharp's de motion! Yo Resistunce, 
look sharp! (Rushing with pan.) Hot fat! Feeto! 

(Enter Boots. Dismal, Codfish, Ah Sam and a sailor 
with trays, pans, &c., while dodge rushes about pushmg, 
shoving, cuffiing and scalding right and left, filling the gal- 
ley with yells and general commotion.) 

DoDOK Disma), yo brown-skinned nigga, yo! heah's 
yo slop, where yo goan— yo Codfish! Feeto! Feeto! Hot 
Fat lieah! Lool: sharp, &c , &c. (Takes a very hot dish 
out of the oven and hands it to Ah Sam, who juggles it 
about with cries of pain.) Well, what's de mattah? Is't 
heavy? 

Ah Sam. Hot! hot! dam hot!. 

Dodge. Hm! yo bloody Chinee, yo! Doan say hot; 
jes say heavy, (exit Ah Sam.) Yes, Mistah Ah Sam, de 
ole man'U make it hot fo yo yet! Heah yo sailo' take yo 
dandy-funk an' go to de debble vvid it! Out o' dis, I want 
to git dis place cleared up some time to-day! (Vessel be- 
gins rolling heavily — pans, pots, and everything fly about 
deck, back and forward. FlunKies hold on and tall down 
and scramble out, dodging the flying utensils ) R-o o-l 1 ! 
Roll! Damnation! Go on! Das you, you dam old flat- 
bottom tub! Yo bin a waitin' all de morniu' for yo done 
it, to ketch me dishin' up! Den roll yo ole bottom out; 
doan stop fo me! Go it ole gal! Go it! I'll hold yo bonnet! 



46 

(Stanclini^'- braced in door way) Roll, Jordan, roll! 

Smash de ship's propaty! See dem old hard-bottom pans 
a walkin' about decK! BreaK tings up! Keep it up, de 
conip'ny's rich. Dey kin str.n' it. Go way, ole sauce-pan, 
1 doan need }'o now! Oh no, ole gal, vo don't Ketch me a 
trsin' to stop tini^s no moM I been seal up too offun. Oh 
no, honey! Steady now! Fleah, heah; now' yo time! Yo 
phite-chasas, climb in dar, and picK up yo bloody tings and 
git to hell outen dis! (Boots attempts to picK up one of 
Dodge's j)ans.) Hold on, dar, Sunrise, dro]) dat an run 
VVhar yo goin' wid dat pan, son? 

Boots. This is m\' pan. What's the matter with \o, 

DoDGK. Wh it! Teefs! robbahs! cut-throats! hide-bind^ 
as! intalopas! lootahs! Drop dat pan! Talk dat way to 
me, will yo? Vo pan is it? Whar's enn\' private mark ob 
your'n on dat pan? Let go dat pan fo I split yo. Don't 
l)resume to come lu heah an' do as yo like; cause yo git left 
son. Don't tink 'cause >o's de Bellman's Tiga yo can 
come in de galley an' put on airs. Yo'U go to leward on 
dat racket too qui<'K, my son. Yo mUvS' tink I'm a big- 
fool or gone crazy. 

Boots Look here, old man, you've been doing a good 
deal ofbluffing for an old man any how^ Lll just go you 
one or two rounds of Queensbury for fun, and see 
what }'ou are made of When you try to bluff me old 
man. \-ou got to have a strong hand, 'cause I call every 
t i m e 

Dodge. Fo' de Lo'd, doan maKe me striKe you. Kase 
if I do, yo'll jes go tell de Cap'in' ennyway so jes let loose 
while still yo able. (They tug at the pan 



47 
while Resistance looks on with sparKling eyes in expect 
ance of a fight. Jaky enters with a pan of bread, whicli he 
sets down and steps between them as peace-maKer. ) 

Jaky. (In beseeching tones.) Don't fight over the dam 
old hard-bottom pans. Don't do it. The pans wuz .ship- 
mates with them that wuz here in 'er before we come, 
and they quarreled and fought over them and they've all 
gone t)ut of her, and turned up their toes, hut ihe bloody 
pans are here ship mates with us. In a little while we'll 
all nc r,ut of 'er too, but the old hard-bottomed pans'U he 
here iu-t the same, shipmates with them that comes 
after us to fight and quarrel and get bruised up about. 
Don't fight over 'em I wouldn't }>lease them that much. 
It's onlv just what the)' want us to do, an' while we 
knocK each ocher around, they just laugh at us. 

(All look sclenm. while Boots walKs off very independ- 
ently with the pan. As soon as Boots has gone, Dodge 
slyly picKs up another pan and hangs it up in triumph, as 
though he had taken it from Boots.) 

Dodge. (Hanging up the pan ostentatiously) Fo' de 
Lo'd saKe, Jaky, doan come in heah to start no camp- 
meetin'! But's long as I got de pan and dat mis'ble 
flunKy has done snucK out de galley I doan kear so mueh. 
Yo done saved yo fren', tho,' J;.ky, from a dam good lick- 
in'; but he's got'to carry hiseir mighty straight 'roun' heah. 
after dis. Come down heah tryin'g to make me knucKle 
unda to 'im, 'cause he's de Captun's fiuuKv. Hm! I doan 
'low none ob dem 'em to rate me. Hm! De idee ob a 
high-toned southungen'leman like nu", heah a cooKii:Mo' 
dis lot ob white tra.sh, enny way! Dis ting ob comin' in 



48 

de galley, and grabbin' an' lootin' eniiything dey sees, is 
played out. Yo all heah me; so looK out fo' yo'self. I 
warn yo all! It'll come line a t'iet in de night; kase it's 
look out! Wen I gits to st.iikin' an' splittin' about, I'se a 
blood cousin ob ole Dang'rous JacK, I is! So don't get 
me started, das all! What! De dam t'iefs! robbas! hide- 
bindas! cut-troatsi intalopes! lootas! I show 'em all an' all 
dey're kind o' people! An' yo, yo bloody little bow-legged 
Dutchman, yo. w^at yo mean enny ways, a comin' in heah 
an' steppin' 'tween me an' de flunKies? De idee ob me 
being ship-mates wid little Dutch pretzils like yo JaKy, 
enny how! Wat'd my old chums say to see me heah a 
workin wid a little sawedoff, like yo! What ole George 
Wilkins or Saul Johnson, of de Pacific mail say? or ole Bob 
Robinson, dat lives obba in de Cardiff an' got a woman 
wite as dat flour. What! men dat kiu go chief steward if 
dey wants — an' git nine — ten pounds a month. Dey'd 
tiuK ole Dodge got mitey low down, to see me an' yo in a 
galley togedda. Wouldn't dey now? 

Jakv. (Complaining.) Yes, that's the way it always 
ends up. It's no use. (Exit JaKy). 

Rksistance. (Goes to the door and hollows after him.) 
Nebba mine, ole boy; nebba mine, Jaky. You's a dam 
sight wuss'n dem dat talks about yo! Yah! yah! yah! 

Dodge. Heah boy, git de jackets off dem spuds, now 
quick's de wo'd. Git dat passenga scouse unda way. 
Doan stop to peel de sailo's spuds. Saiio's like de skins 
de best yo Know. 

(A female voice is heard singing from Olivette, "Where- 
fore, wherefore, so light. Wherefore, \vherefore so gay," 



49 

&c., changing into "Oh, my Little Darling," it draws 
njarcr. Dod^^e listens iiiid slyly arranges his hair in a small 
glass on the wall. Enters Venus singing:) 
Oh my little D^dgy 1 love you, 

Oh mylitUe Dodgy if you prove true, 
If you only love me as yon say you do, 

There's nothing in this world'U cut our love in two, 
"Wait till the clouds roll by, Dodgy." 
Dodge. (Dis.sembling with gruffness.) VV^ell, w'at yo 
want in heah? Yo come in like yo vvuz white folks, yo 
brown-skin' huzzy, yo! Yo sung yoself in, now sing yosef 
out, schoona rigged! 'Nuff muss in dis gaily widout eb- 
bybody in de ship a tryin' to crowd emsef in. Bloody 
tiefs, r'obbas, hide bindas! Fine pass, w'en co'nfiel niggas 
tink dey'rc white !o!ks 

Venus. (Interrupting) Oh now, Dodgenes, doan get 
uffish at yo little Venus, (laughing the scale) an' jes to 
please mfo'n. me who is white folks in yo galley? 

Dodge. White ToIks? Who dy'e s'pose is? I is, das', 
who is! Now yo know. 
Venus.; No one else? 

Dodge. Me an' Resistunco de only ones I know of 
i-nun' heah. 

X'knu.s. How is't 'l)0 It Jaky? 
Dodge. Jaky? H'm! He's only Dutch folks. 
Venus. (Laughing the scale ) Well, now Dodgenes, 
I (loan kear to be" white folks enny ways. Yo can't get up 
no fuss wid me bout that. We jes been out fo'ty days, I 
heard de Bellman say. 

Dodge. Forty? It's f o'ty one by my log! Fo'ty-one 



y 



days an' sixteen seconds an* a quarter, an' de ole dead boss 
aint worked up yit. Bloody nigh twenty mo' days to run. 

Venus. Now Dodgenes, doan be growlin' 'bout yo ad- 
vance note, yo'd do't rite ova agin ef yO had't to do this 
minit. 

Dodge. I'd be a bloody fool ef I didin den! Yo liable 
to be in de bottom ou dc pond fo' two montli's up an' yo 
might's well hab one good drunk out oh )o pay da\ cnn\- 
way, fo' Davy Jones git yo. Fo'ty one days out an' no 
sign ob de snahk yii! Not eben a Boojum! Hm! A little 
tendah snahk fry'd go mighty well 'bout now. (Smacking 
his lips ) 

Venus. Dodge, yo's de fust one on dis ship dat I'st- 
seen dat knows ennyt'ing 'bout snahks. De res' seem all 
green ho'ns up da. 

Dodge Hm! I reckon I ought to know a heap 8itc 
mo'n dat drove of wile tu'Keys up on deck. Dis aint de 
fust time Ise been on dis wo'ld no how. Hm! Resisturce 
bring fo'th de instruments, I done forgot to take de sun 
dis mo'nin'. 

Venus. Wy, Dodgenes, do you take de sun down 
heah? 

Dodge Hm! den how de craft's goin' to go, yo ignant 
huzzy? 

Venus. Wy de Bellman take de sun, I saw *im dis 
mornin', mysef. 

Dodge Yo did, did )'o? Well c!cn now yo'll s< e n:c 
taKe it. Come, look shiiip, ho\ , aid g( t 'h i j. widdcn. 
instruments. Come on wid de ham -bone, and de old 
French coffee pot, an' we'll ketch a scobobsavation > it fo' 



51 

sIk' git past do zodiac, an' we'll show Venus heah how wc 
do't acco'din' to de arrorus an de demonstration. 

Venus. Go on, Mistah Dodgenes, I'd love to see yo 
bcs' in de wo'ld. 

(Resistance brings Dodge the ham bone and coffee-pot 
which he takes very carefully and examines critically.) 

Doi GK. I hope dcy's all wiped clean, yo doan want to 
let dese instruments git spil't. Dey cost money, my son. 
Take yo slate and pencil, boy, an put down de figgers now 
as yo heahs me call 'em out to yo, an' doan fo'git to cross 
yo fu's. (Holds up the coffee-pot inverted and squints up- 
ward through tlie spout, singing myteriously.) 
••Oh m>' ua;Me u is Rob'ot Kidd, as I sail'd, as 1 sal'ed; 

Oh my name was Rob't Kidd, as I sail'd. 
My smtal fooist.-ps slid; God's laws they did lorbid; 

But still wickedly i did, as 1— — 
(Breaks off singing with exclamation.) Fo' God saKe! who's 
been foolin' wid dis instrument? Dey's done gone stopped 
up de peekaboo. (Resistance sings ' 'Peekaboo"— gets no 
farther than the first word.) Thar, Peekaboo, now dat'll 
do yo nonsense! I'll change yo name to Peekaboo, I 
b'leve, fo' de Lo'd knows datyo can't renda no resistance, 
an' yo aint got no rite to title ob Resistance cook. It's no 
time fo' yo silliness w'en de scobsavations goin' on! (PicKS 
ui) a kui'e and jabs a hole through the bottom of the coffee- 
pot, hoi Is it up as before, squinting and singing.) 
' \\\ a 1^ b!e m my h m'. w'en I sail'd, w'en 1 sail'ed; 

I'd a Bible in my han', w'en I sail'd. 
I'd a Bible in my han', by my father's great command, 
An' I sunk it in de sand, w'en I sail'd." 



52 

Now steady an' ready. Hokus Pokus, name o' Jehokus. 
Hop Jinny and begone! F'ust iialcll — write it down Sun- 
rise. Numba fo'. 

Resist. (Has slate and pencil and puts it down.) Fi^ga 
fo' wid de criss-cross on de (o\ 

Dodge. Steady an' ready den, an' kejp }o pencil 
sharp, son. (Goes through operations as before.) 
"I spied three ships of France, as I saiTd, as I saii'd; 

I spied three ships of PVanee, as 1 saii'd. 
I spied three ships of France, and to them I did advance, 

And tooK dem all by chance, as I 

Dar siie bows mudda! Peekaboo, put down e — leben. 

Resist. (Excitedly jumping about ) Oountz! Oountz! 
I wuz born on de 'ievtnth! I wuz born on de 'leventhl 

Dodge. Yes, an'. } oil die on de sebenih. V\ li it \o 
mean? Pay 'tention to de calKlashuns, ) o aint shociin' 
oountz now, yo navigatin' a ship Got dat wrote down 
yit? 

Venus. Yo ouglu to be ashamed, Kt'-^istance. Dat 
beaya up da' beat yo ail hollow figgerin'. 

Dodge. (Aside ) Beava figga. Dis ship beats my 
time. (Aloud.) Hm! Ob course de beaver'li beat 'im 
fiiigerin' an' kin beat 'iin cookin' too. Dars no con^parin' 
a rile smart l)eava an' a little cliuckle head nigi^n like liim. 
All he's good fo's to sit roun wearin' out de bench dar wid 
de boosumob 'is pants an' singin' Peekaboo. (To Resist 
ance who has seated himself.) Git up from dar now an' 
Keep yo eye open an' pay 'tention heah! Fo' de Lo'd Re- 
sistance,, de rnitmit dat de boosum of yo pants hits de bot- 
tom <.»b a char ) o iiead's asleep, a leaben me l;t^h a doin' 



53 

de wo'k an' you a sittin' dar deado. Heah we go agin; 
now min' yo'sef. (squinting). Now boy, put it down 
'co'din' to de arorus and de demonstration. 

Resist Aye, aye, acco'din' to de roas. 

Dodge. Doan try to talk wo'ds yo' doan know nuth- 
un 'bout de mcanin' ob. Whar did do learn Latun at. 
Steady an' ready. (Venus laughs musically). 

"I murdered Alvin Moore, as I sail'd, as I sail'd; 
i murdered Albert Moore, as I sail'd, 

I iiuirdered Alvin Moore, an' I left liim in his gore, 
\ot many leagues from de shore, as 1 sail'd." 
Hokus Pokus, name o' GchoKus, 

Now, my son, I got de focus. 
Mop, Jinny, begone! 

Put down fo'ty-fo, my son. 

Resit. (Executes clog and flipfiaps about the galley in 
great glee.) Fo' eleven fo'ty-fo'! I won six dollahs. 
(Grabs Venus. They begin to dance the racket together.) 

Dodge. Heah, heah, boy! (Grabbing up a huge meat 
ax and threatening to split Resistance.) What you mean 
by cuttin' up .sich capas? Is yo bcf gone clean plum cra- 
zyPakickin' up vo heels heah in my galley. AVhat! you 
mis'ble little hidc-bindah, intalopa yo. Wliat! don't think 
yo's in yo native jungles now, yo bloody little monke)s. 
yo. I'll cut yo in two wid de meat ax in a holy minit! 
(Taking him by the ear and leading away from Venus and 
putting the slate in nis hands.) We'll see w'at kind of 
moves yo'll be maKin' fo' I get froo wid yo', sunrise! I 
done split a second mate's head open fo' now, I have 
Now take dat slate an' put down w'at 1 sing- out, an' mind 



54 

yo'sef, boy, kase yo spile desc kalklashuns vvid enny mo' 
nonsense, yo might jes as well go jump obba de side an' be 
done wid yo'sef. Come, now, quicK's dc wo'd, an' sharp's 
de motion. (To Venus.) Now stan' whar yo is. (Squint- 
ing over the goose bone at Venus.) 

Venus. (Laughing) Me! Mistah Dodgenes? 

DouGE. (Mim icing her.) Yes, me. Mr. Dodgenes. 

Venus. Wat is dat, Mistah Dodgenes, vo pointin' at 
me now? 

Dodge • Dat instrumen' is called a goose bone; but 
doan be askin' no queshuns 'bout instrumen's yo would'n 
know nuffin' 'bout cf I told yo. 

Venus. (Laughing.) Goose bont! 1 aim no goose. 

Dodge. I has seen 'cm in my time. 

Venus. Yo has seen w'ai? 

Dodge. Black Geese, nigga! Black grese! Now keep 
yo hash fact'ry closed 'till 1 Ketch de right parlell. S(j! 
Now 'co'din' to de 'rarus an' de demonstration? (Mutters 
inaudibly.) Dar yo is. gal. De Transum ob Venus The 
greatest scientifik scobobsavation ob dis day an' sinful gen- 
eration. Sixteen. Sweet sixteen. Got dat? 

Venus Oh Dodgenes. 

Resist. I can't do't. I can't put down no sweet six- 
teen, nor I nebba see't done. 

Dodge Yo's a sweet looKin* 'stronama to study de 
stahs, aint yo? Yo Kin maKe a six, can't yo an' a teen 
afta't? 

Resist. Ob cose I kin do dat, an' I could make a sweet 
sixteen, too, if I had as mueh taffy as Venus been gittin' 
lately. 



55 

Venus. Shet up yo talk, yo sassy little devil, yo. 
Dodge, (x^side.) I wonda w'at dat boy meant den by 
dat. (Scratches his head and mutters taffy, taffy?) 

Venus. Yes, vvid all yo smartness, Peekaboo, it'll be a 
long time till yo Kin do de liKe ob dat wat Mista Dodgencs 
bin a doin'. 

Resist. Wait till I get ole Hkc him an' see w'at I kin do. 
Dodge. Hm! Ole like me? Ole? Fo'ty five's jess a 
man's prime, aint it Venus? 

Vknus. W'y, yes, indeed, Dodgenes; yo jess at yo best 
time ob life, den. 

Rhsist. (Aside.) Well, he may be fo'ty-five; but his 
face looKs a hund'ed an' fifty. 

Venus. Oh, no, Resistance, yo'll nebba be as good 
looKin' an' well persurbed as Copral Dodgenes is, when yo 
fo'ty-five yeahs ob age. We'sc a goin' to gib yo ole wo- 
man de "go by," aint we, Dodgenes, w'en we get in po't. 
Dodge. My ole woman? Who ebba tole yo dat I had 
cnny ole woman roun' me, Venus? I nebba did fool wid 
no woman in my life. Yo's my fust. 

Venus. Oh Dodgenes! I'll slug yo wid a peacocK 
feat hah! 

Resit. (V^cry giddy, walKing about imitating Venus). 
Oh, Gussie, now yo quit, 1 hit yo real hard, etc., etc. 
Dodge. Wat's de mattah wid yo? 
Resit. Nuthin's de mattah wid me. I'se all right. 
Dodge Yes, an' yo' be all right if de debble had yo. 
Git out dar. now in dat steerage, an' git to peelin' dem 
spuds for dat scouse. Go on out wid de rest ob de flun- 
kies; yo's no better'n they is! [Exit, ResL^tanoc.] Yes, 



56 

Venus, yo's my fust, my only fust. I used to Know a 
song dat went some way liKe dat. 

Vknus. Oh, did yo though, Dodgenes? I do so wish 
yo'd sing it fo' me. 

Dodge. Le's see, it wtnt, "She wuz my fust, my only 
fust, an' Bessie wuz her name," someway dataways. 

Venus. Oh jcs sing once now, for yo Utile Venus, 
Dodgenes, 'Cause yo know yo nebba eben gib me dat 
hosiery yet, yo know (giggling) dat yo done promised me 
long go. Go on now, Dodgenes an' git yo fiddle an' play 
dat tune when no one's 'round. 

DoDGK. Dat hosiery's away dow in de bottom ob m.y 
trunk an' can't be got at jest present, but yo'll git 'cm all 
right 'nuff, an' w'en I gits my pay-day, Venus, 1 taKc yo 
'cross to Puree an' buy out de wliole Bone Marsh fo' yo. 

Venus. Oh my! Dodgenes, but won't we jes fly high 
one o' dese fine davs? 

Dodge Well, won't we jest den. Hm! Now, ef yo 
want to heal) dat tune on de ole fiddle, I'll jes step in de 
room an' fetch it. [Exit Dodge.] 

Resist. (Who has been peeping at the door, now en- 
ters ) Goan to sing fo' yo, is he? 

Venus. Dat's none ob yo'r bizness. 

Resist. Yo nebba hccrd me sing, did yo? 

Venus. No. 

Resist. Well yo nebba will. Yah! Yah! 

Venus. Oh my, yo tinK yo so cute, don't yo? 

Resist. If yo wuz a little cuta'n yo is, yo wouldn' take 
all de taff dat dat ole cripple's tr\in' to gib yo. W'y doan 
yo brace up an' ketch on to sumpun dat's got some life 



57 

'bout him. (Bracing up and strutting about.) 

Venus. Oh, pshaw! PeeKaboo. (Laughing.) Well, 
now, yo's a so't ob a Jim Dandy, yo'sef, aint yo? 

Resist. Ise a James Dandy! Well 1 should blush to 
murmur. Yo nebba seed me blush, did yo, Venus? 

Venus, Shush! I hear him comin' back.an' yo'd betta 
not let him ketch yo in heah. (The sound of the tuning 
of a fiddle is heard.) 

Rksist. All right, Venus, yo jes stick to yo ole game- 
leg mash, an' see' whar yo come out. He may draw a bigga 
pay-d-^y dan I do, but I doan haff to put no hair-dye on 
my head, I don't? 

Venus. Shush, boy! Shush! Hush yo business; heah 
he comes! '[Exit Resistance. Enters Dodge, tuning 
fiddle.] 

Dodge. Well, w'at yo stannen up fo'? Heah, take dis 
Eas'lake-Queen-Anne-Sofa char, w'y doan yo? (Pointing 
to the wooden bench^ the only seat in the galley.) 

Venus. (Giggling.) Taint p'lite etequette to occupy 
de only seat in de room, Mista Dodgenes. (Sitting.) 
Whar'U yo sit? 

Dodge. Me? Oh, I kin sit enny wliar. Dis'U do me. 
(Sitting down beside Venus.) 

Venus. Oh, Dodgenes, how self-sacrificial yo are! 
(Crowding closer to him.) 

Dodge. Enny south'n genlinum will always put his- 
sef out to 'blige de sex. Rut all sich Abe Linkum Brown 
bread Boston-niggas, liKe dat Dismal Smith, nebba had no 
raisin', nohow. Might as well look fo'a Guinnea Nigga to 



5^ 

talk French. What! De biood}' hide-bindas, intalopes an' 
lootas! 

Venus. Now, Dodgenes, doan bodda yo'sei' 'bout dem 
tool niggas. but })lay me dat tune yo spoke of a while ago. 

UoDGE. Yes, but I'll harm dat Boston coon fo' dis 
passage oba. (Draws bow across strings and Resistance 
puts his head in the door and sings "Peekaboo" through 
his squeaK-whistle Looking around.) Whar's dat Pee- 
kaboo got to now. ril hang for killin' dat boy in de nex 
port, I k^iow't. [Knters Dismal, hurriedly. Dodge jump- 
ing up] Well, what yo want in heah now! SpeaK out, o' 
sneaK out! Talk quicK fo' I harm yo! 

Dismal. Is dar enny more of that wet-hash? 

Dodge. (In disgust.) Wet-hash! What! De com- 
mon cully head niggas a wantin' wet-hash. FlunKiesis a 
gittin' very independent. Go on out scoona-rigged! wet' 
hash don't Know flunkys no' none ob dere Kindob people, 
an' doan want to know em! If yo wait till you get wet- 
hash at Ole Dodgenes haff to maKe, Mista Dismal Smith, 
yo'U wait long'n I want yo to! Das' all. (Picking up a 
ladle threateningly.) Now out you go! One! two! 

(Exit Dismal follow^ed by the ladle flung by Dodge.) 

Dodge. Bloody tiefs, robbas, hide-bindas, intalopas, 
Lootars! I'll show 'cm all. I make 'em git out dis galley, 
liKe goats jumpun fo' sun-flowah seeds! 

Venus. Dey all maKe mighty quick moves fo' you. 
Doan dey Dodgenes? 

Dodge. QuicK moves? If I had dat Dismal a week 
I'd maKe a race boss out of 'im. Dat Resistance is a trick 
mule now. 
(Dismal and Resistance each poke in their heads — one 



59 

on each side of the door, and make grimaces and gesticu- 
late.) 

Dodge. (Chucking Venus under the chin.) Venus, 
do you know w'at yo' is to me? 

Venus. (Gigghng.) W'at I is to yo Dodgenes? W'y 
w'at is I? 

Dodge. You's my Langtry. De Langtrce on wich 
de fruit ob my heart isgrowun'. • 

Venus. Oh Dodgenes aint you lovely! (Aside.) Das' 
jes'bdut nuff taffy now till he ponies up wid dem hosiery. 

Dodge (StriKes up, "She was my first, &c." He 
sings the first verse, and Venus. Resistance and Dismal all 
join in the chorus. A bell strikes.) 

Venus. Dar goes de Stewardesses bell. Obba de door- 
sill! (Exit Venus.) 

Dodge. (Charging toward the door with a Icnife.) 
What yo' persumin' Abe Lincum nigga yo! I'll show yo 
how to come roun' heah wid yo blood)' persumin', hoUern 
an' yellern, wen I'se a" playen' on my fiddle-a routen up de 
whole ship-I show yo.u an' all yo' kind o' people how to 
come marken up de paint-wo'k wid yo'black paws! Nebba 
min' I'll git yo yet Mista Dismal-a teachen' dat boy bad 
ways-Come in hyar Kesistunce, you sttiy #)ut dar wid de 
crows so much, yo' getten to be a crow youse'f. (Cuffs 
Resist, as he enters, who takes it sullenly, growling to him- 
self.) (Enter Boots, very dapper ) 

Dodge. Well, wa't yo' want in heah .Sunrise? Speak 
out o' sneakout! You's no betta'n de rest de fluiiKies. 

Boots. The captain wants his coffee. 

Dodge. (Getting himself a cup and filling it with coffee 



6o 

from the urn on the range.) De Cap'ii wants his coffee do 
he? Well, das all rite, den, an' he'll get his coffee too, jes 
as soon as I get mine. 

Boots Come! I'm waiting. 

Dodge. (Coolly.) Yo's a waiten' is yo? Well, I 
reckon you can staa 't to wait bette'n an olda man can't 
yo? (Sipping his coffe every leisurely.) 

Boots. Do you mean to say that the Captain has to 
wait till you get reacfy? 

Dodge. Looky hyar, my young brass boun' fren' yo's 
de Cap'n's Tiga, and yo's the King bee 'mong yo brotha 
flunkys, but doan' try none o' yo airs on wid me; I jes as 
lief hit you, as I would enny yo tribe an' Kind. Yo' brass- 
buttons don't rate nobody in dis galley! 

Boots. (Dignified.) I came down here to get that cof- 
fee, am I going to get it? 

Dodge. I reckon Is'e privelege to sit down and taKe 
my rest once a day wen I taKes my coffee, and I recKon I 
do't, an yo' Kin jes take wat I tell yo an put it in a Queen 
Anne frame an hang up in yo' flunky's glory-hole, an its 
jes dis: Ole Dodgenes nebba gits up fom taKen his coffee 
to wait on no one, Cap'n o' no Cap'n, or King of Jolly- 
gumbo, an it'll be a mighty cole day wen Ole Dodgenes 
a sitten down at his ease a taKen his coffee, has to jump 
up to wait on the fust bloody flunky dat sticks his nose in 
de galley! Dar yo' sabey de booijacK, Mista Boots? 
Sabey de Boojum? De Cap'n '11 get his coffee jes as soon 
as Ole Dodgenes gets his'n, and not a bloody minute 
soona! Da now! (Exit Boots.) 

Dodge. (You Resistance! Wat yo' 'bout dar? Hyar 



6i 

Hyar, boy! TaKe dem fo'-fcet o' yo'n out dat vv'ite suga' 
Take de brown suga, dat's mo' yo' culla' aint it? Whar'd 
dat stuck up Tiga' git to, boy? He didn't go bacK up on 
deck widout his coffee did he? Fo' de Lo'd! He means to 
maKc trubble. Dam hidebinda'n intalopa! All rite, Mista 
Sma't man you go to de Cap'un wid enn\' yo' lies bout mc! 

RsiST. He went up on deck to de Cap'u, I guess. 

Dodge. He's gone up to de Cap'n wid his lies to try to 
make trouble fo' de ole cook. Nebba mind, I fix dat liah, 
wid £^11 his lies. (Aside.) Got to tell bigga lies'n I Kin, an' 
he's a good un if he Kin do dat. (A voice from above the 
sky-light gutteral.) 

Voice! IJ)odgenes, did you refuse to give Boots my 
coffee? 

Dodge. (In exceedingly pleasant and respectful tone of 
voice.) Is dat you, Mistah Bellman? VV'ai is it, sah? 

.Voice. I asked yo if yo refused to gWe Boots my cof- 
fee? He says yo did. 

Dodge. Wy, de idee ob me doin' sich a ting's dat, 
Mistah Bellman. I hope I know my place better'n dat, 
Cap'n. I refuse to gib 'im yo coffee! (Shakes his head 
and makes a sound expressing pity with his tongue and 
teeth.) W'y Cap'n, all de time I been sailin', I nebba had 
no pne to tell de like ob dat 'bout me 'fo' now! De g'os- 
pel trufe, Cap'u, he comes in beah w'en nobody wuz heah 
an' eat de coffee on' drunk yo nice buttah toast, an' 1 
kpme in an' ketched 'im. 

Boot's voice. He said he wouldn't git up from takio 
his coffee to wait on no Cap'n. That's what he said. 

Dodge. (In tones of sadness.) Oh T pity yo poo' 



6.2 

soul, bo\', to Stan' dar an' tell sich lies as dat rite to de 
Cap'n's face. I Know dc Cap'n nebba can b'lieve enny 
^ies liKe dat 'bout ole Dodenes; 'Kase he know dat de ole 
man's a cook dat knows his place an kin Keep il, an' he 
nebba could ebcn atho't sich talk asdatlyen' boy's a tellen^ 
De idee dat I would talK dataways! (Talkincrfor the benefit 
of the decK overhead.) 

Voice. Well, Diogenes, come up on decK, and we'll in- 
vestigate matters, and get to the bottom of this affair. 

Dodge. Berry well, sah! (Changing to his usual voice 
but meant for ears above.) Dar now! Jes Iook at dat- 
Sec how much trouble one liah can make on a ship! (Hur- 
riedly changing his dirty cap and apron for clean ones, and 
singing very saintly.) 

De lo'd delibad Danyell from de lion's den, etc. 

Voice. Well, are you coming to-day? 

Dodge. (Pretending innocence.) What. Mistah Bell- 
man? You want me to come up rite now! Sahtinly sahJ 
I'll be rite up dar immegiately, sah. Come on, Resist- 
ance, I want yo fo' a witness. Yo saw't all — come on. 
boy, (Soto voce,) I'll maKe't mighty hard fo\\o if yo don't 
(In high pitched voice.) I'll show 'em how to get up on 
my back an' try to ride me! What! Nebba mind to stop 
an' fix yo'sef up. Resistance, yo jes as de call finds yo! 
Come on, Resistance, we goan up to de Cap'n. What! 
De bloody ticfs, robbahs, hade-bindahs, intelopes, lootas! 
I'll show 'em if I haff to lay down on de decK ob my own 
galley an' let 'cm all walk on me! An it's look out 
fo' busted stink-pots, Mistah flunky, dis day ob our Lo'd! 

[Exit i^oJge and Resistance. Enter Hop cautiously.] 



63 

Hop. (Smiling.) Alle samce cook no at home. (Steals 
to bottle; takes from its hiding-place and takes a drink, get- 
ting a black circle around his mouth of which he is blis8- 
fully ignorant. Puts bottle bacK again.) He, he! alle 
saraee salvlation solja Sunly schloo boy, no likee whiskce, 
he, he? Heap foole blacK cook! he, he! Hello. Cook 
pipe pipe! (Smells it and turns up his nose.) Phew! 
HeapstiuKee! Phew! He, he! Me put in Cap'n hash. 
(Bre.iKs. the pipe in pieces and puts it in dish of hash on 
the range.) He, he! Cap'n allee samee kilie ole nigga. 
He. he! Hop laffec at he; he, he! Cap'n no can eat pipe, 
he, he! (Sees the fiddle ) Hello! Meiican man fiddle. 
(Picks it up ) How in Hell he play him? Allec samee 
too many dam siling. (Puts the bow under his chin and 
tries to play with the fiddle.) How Meiican man play? 
Chinaman sabe him. (Plays "YanKee Doodle" very slow- 
ly, singing?) 

YanKee Doodle he comee to townee, 
All samee topside mulee, 

He puttee fletha in he hatte, 
Allee same dam big foolee. 
[Rnter Dodgenes in time for the last line of song. He 
pauses in doorway and takes him in.] 

Dodge. (Aside.) Fo' de Lo'd saxe; see dat bloody 
heathen a got de fiddle an' a playin' on do bow! De hosg^-s 
head whar de tail ought to be! an' no wondah w'en dey 
wears tails on dey heads. Ha, ha! Dars de marK ob 
de beast roun' his mouf! Well, dat do settle it. Ode 
Dodgenes too ole fo' de Chinese Empire! (Aloud.) 
Hello, dar, yo bloody heathen! w'at yo doin' wid dat fiddle 



64 

in heah? (Cooly taKing it away from Hop.) Yo IjfOKc 
dat fiddle I kill yo! 

Hop. Me play sing sofig, cook. 

Dodge. Oh dat be blovved fo' a > am. l^aoKy byar, 
Hop, who done been at my battle of squar-face? Wat fo 
you come in an' drink froun my bottic? 

Hop. (Smiling innocently.) Mc, cook? Hop no diii^" 
ky bottle, allee samee go .Sundly schloo, no liKce dlinkee 
■'whisKe^e. Me .salvlation mannee, you sabe cook? 

Dodge. (Aside.) Well, now, ain' dat jes beatiful! beau- 
tiful! Dat's w'at I'se bound to admiah 'bout de Chinese 
race. Dey kin stan* rite up like Mary had a little lamb, 
an' blate out de sweetes' little lies dat ebba went out fo' a 
walK a Sunday. See de bloody heatlien look innocent wid 
dat blacK hide binda markroun' his mouf. I'se got a, good 
notion to brain 'im vvid a spoon whar he stan's. If I could 
He Hkc dat, I'd stop workin' un' lie fo' a libin'? Biit de 
ole man's got dis pig-tail too dead to skin. (Aloud.) Oh 
yes Hop, you good boy, yo no takee. Yo helpee m.e 
Ketchee thief dat steal bottle? 

Hop. Yes, cook, me helpee ketchee him. How you 
-can Knfow thief? 

Dodge. Oh heap velly easy,. Hop. (Taking bottle in 
his hand.) You see bottle? Allee same black on bottle, 
you sabe black? 

Hop. (Suspiciously touching his mouth with his finger 
- on the sly.) No sabe. What for black? Me go, cook. 
Heap worKee. (Trying to leave.) 

Dodge. (Grabbing him by his cue.) Thief get plenty 
black on his mouf, yo sabe Hop? Surlay school boy conie 



65 

steal, allee samee get caught. (Takes a small looking-glass 
from the vvall and holds it before his face. Hop yells, and 
with a sudden move kicks Dodge's feet from under him 
and escapes, leaving him sprawling on deck, much to the 
amusement of Resistance who arrived in the door- way just 
in time to see Dodge fall, and unseen of Dodge collapses 
with laughter.) 

Dodge. Ticfs! Robbas! Cuttroats! hidebindas, inta- 
lopas! Lootars! (The vessel begins roUing heavily again, 
sending things flying across galley to Dodge's great dis- 
comfiture.) (Curtain.) 



ACT III. 

Scene set same as Act I— A mortar and pestle upon 

the mast on one side and. a pawn -broker's three 

halls on the other — A cannon or mortar 

lashed to the declc on one side—Do^- » 

watch — Sailors lying about 

dech smoking, etc. 

Dickey Hey, Scotty give us a song. 

Bloomer. Yes, sing sumpun for us, Scotty. 

All Yes, a song! a song! Scotty! Scotty! 

Scotty Well then wait just till I get a pull more of the 
pipe. 

Curly. An thots vv'at ails ye. Give me the auld tar- 
bucket here, I'll be smokin' fur ye. (Reaching for it ) 

Scotty. Oh, no fear o' you Curly. (Knocking the 
ashes out and putting the pipe in his vest pocket.) Sing ye 
a sang, is it mates? 

All. Go on! Go ahead with you! 

Scotty. Wull then wat sang'll I gie yo? Wull I gie you 
Judy O'Brodly? 

Bloomer (Mocking Scotty.) Wat'U you gie us then? 
VVy gie us the song of "My name is Captain Thunder- 
balls, down by the Shannon's Side." Gie us that Scotty. 

Curly Ah, Scotty, w'at air ye gic-en us, anyhow? 
(All lauirh ) ' 

Scottv I'll be gie'en some o' ye a crack or two i' the 



67 

lug in a minute, and that's w'ot I'll be gie-en yez. 

Dickey. (Coaxing.) An' now Scotty, nevermind old 
Parnell there, but go on with the song, that's a good chum, 
now. Sing "The Leaving of Liverpool," so we can all 
join in the chorus. 

Scotty. A right, Dickey. "The Lavin' o' Liverpool," 
it is then. (Tunes up and begins). 

It wuz of a Sunday mo-or nin' 

Down by the Volue Place, 
That me an' my true love wuz conversin*, 

On the day I wuz to sail away. 

Chorus. 
Ma\' the Heavens above, 
Protect and guard my love, 
Whul I am fur across the deep blue sea. 

It's na the leavin' o' Liverpool that a-grieves me, 
But's my darlin' when I thinK of thee. 

Oh, farewell to my father, an' my mither, 

LiKevvise to my su-uster also, 
And I have wan only brither 

And to him I bid a long adieu. 

Curly (Stepping to the fore ) Well, now Dickey, if 
that auld chantin' Scotch dronin,' sand-lapper's got through, 
I'll sing ye the song I sung last night in the bunK. I'd 
jist as soon listen to an auld bag-piper as to hear that 
Scotty sing. 

Scotty. What's that yer sayin' of the Scotch pipurs? 
W'y the tunes o' Scotland is all made on the sound ov the 



6S 

watursof the brook flowin' over the stanes; and what cud 
be grawnder than thot? 

Curly. Grand! Well, I see nothing grand at all about 
it then. VVather! Do ye hear mates? Sure the songs of 
Oiriand is made on the sound av the whusky flowin' from 
the bottle. An' what is grander than that? Wather! Do 
ye mind 'im? (All laugh.) 

Dickey Good enough, Curly; now sing the song of 
the old Oua-Qua. 

Curly. The Qua-Qua song is it? All roight thin. The 
song is called The Maid an' the Magpoi — Yez can all howl 
in the chorus. 

Bloomer. Go on with \'er bloomin' yowl yeiself then! 
We'll tend to the chorusl I'm sorry the planer's out o' 
tune, I'd have Miss Dickey here, play for you. 

Curly (Winking.) Good fur you, Bloomer! (Re- 
moving a quid from Ids cheek, and handing it to Bloomer.) 
iLnvId this fur me till I'm through! (Sings:) 

Oh once there wuz a maid kept an auld magpoi; 

A Parson, who prayed, lived very close boi. 

An' says she I love the Parson, but don't ye tell the 

Tar. 
But the auld magpoi only said Qua Qua: 

Cho. But the old magpie only said Qua-Qua! 
But the old magpie only said Qua-Qua! 

Bloomer. (Steps to the front and sings, with a step.) 
I'm a navvy, I'm a navvy, I'm navvy on the line; 
I've my four and twenty bob a weeK, besides my over- 
time. 



69 

Dickey Hold on! Listen a bit! Don't yo hear a queer 
sound off on the water? Hark now. 

Bloomer. There it goes! Do you hear it mates? It's no 
liuman sound, that! 

Curly. Ye bin charmin up the fishes, Bloomer, wid yer 
musical voice. 

ScOTTY. (Frightened.) Hoot, man! Hoot! It's na time 
fur yer jests now. It's the Flyin' Dutchman a comin' to 
nil) us down! Howly mither, help us! Ow-Ow-Ow! 

Bloom KR. (Running about distractedly.) Oo-Oo-Ooi 

(The singing grows louder, they crowd upon the rail.) 

Dickey Oh! W'y they are girls. An they're jolly little 
beauties! 

Curly Koi^ht ye are, Dickey! Luff ! Luff! now can't 
ye? Have a little regard fur yer manners, if ye be nuthun 
but auld whales. Its meself can talk to the ladies; I'm wun 
av the auld school, I am— pull aff yer cap, Bloomer, ye big 
sod ye. Its meself has a takin' wid the ladies. I'm a great 
man out in society. 

(The sea-maids board, still singing; they end the song 
as their Queen comes over the side; Curly advances, smiles, 
bows and scrapes. The sea maids crowd around him with 
peals of laughter, while Curly exerts his fascinations.) 

Se\-Maids. Oh, what a funny looking thing! Wha* 
is it? 

(Curly looks cut up, but braces up.) 

Curly. (Smiling.) Well, me sweet lasses, what ship? 
(Sea-maids all laugh.) 

Queen. Why we are sea-maids, yo Know. 

Curly To be sure, to be sure, av course, I am aware 



JO 

of that. (Turiving to mates, sotto voce.) They's sea- 
maids! Jist what I towld yc! 

Queen. We live down about twenty or thirty fathoms, 
in the country of Atalaniis 

Curly. A nice cool depth just that. 

ScOTTY. It's in Davy Jone's locker they live, mates, 
wurra! wurra! 

Queen Now, my maids, this is the treat 1 said I had in 
store for you — these are mortals that you have begged me 
so often to show to you. So taKe a good Iook at them now 
that you've the chance, and then don't tease me anymore, 
for these are fine, healthy, well developed specimens. 
(The mermaids crowd about Scotty.) 

Mermaids. Are you a mortal? Are you a human? 

Scotty. Na, I'm Scotch. 

Curly. (Pushing in front.) Aw, yis, he Scotch, niver 
mind him. But if it's man yez want to see, I'm wan me- 
self, gurruls. Gaze on me! Aint I a daisy? 

(They crowd around him with exclamations of delight, 
touching and poking him curiously. Curly m.aKes odd 
faces at them and goes through comical motions. -He re- 
treats before them.) 

Sea-Maids. Oh, is'nt he pretty! 

Curly. (Posing.) Aint I honey on toast, jist gurrls? 

Sea Maids. Oh, see the pretty feathers on his face. 

Curly. (Aside.) Ah ha! Me sluggers is a ketchin' 
'em. 

Queen. Now, my maids, if youv'e satisfied your cu- 
riosity, ril inquire the name of the ship. 

Curly. Well then, I'm satisfied if they be. 



71 

Sea-Maids. Oh, let us have him for a petto take bacK 
with us. We'll have so much fun with him. 

CuKLY. (Aside.) What's that! Do they think I'm a 
monkey? Have fun with me? 

Queen. Now, Captain, will you tell me the name of 
your ship? 

Curly. (Aside.) Never mind, she takes me fur the 
Captain. (Aloud.) Shure this is the good ship Snarker, 
and we've bin a snarKin' around for the snarK this many 
a lung^ da\', but Divil the sniff av the snark have we seen yet* 
Queen. Oh, you're hunting the snarK, are you? Well, 
there's no harm in that, surely. 

Curly (Aside.) No, unliss it's a Boojum be Hivins' 
Then it's stand from under! 

Queen. Shall we go with them, my maidens? 
Maids. (Together.) Yes, we'll go, oh goody? (They 
each grab a sailor.) I choose this one! I choose this one! 
This in mine! This one is mine, etc. (They begin sing- 
ing and dancing as before, maKing partners of sailors whom 
they drag through. Curly gives his mermaid a chew of 
tobacco, over which she makes a face.) 

Dodge. (PoKing his head up out of the companion- 
house.) Fo' de Lo'd! French gals! What! De nasty salv- 
o's up in s'ciety heah an' a habin a pic-nic. Hidebindas! 
De idee! Jes wait till de ole man goes an' gits on his 
Johnny Crapo clothse, an' I reckon he'll come up an' ketch 
on hisscf. What! go Way, crow, w'en dar's chicken. (Dis- 
appears down.) ' * 

(Mermaid*; and sailors dance and sing. Enter Bellman, 
Bosum and Crew.) 



72 

BosuM (Running to rail and getting a belaying pin.) 
Well, well! What's up here? What's up wid ye, ye auld 
whales? Git forrad there, (Clubbing them.) ye bloomin' 
lot av auld whales ye— mermaids ye've turned into, eh? 
I'll maKe maids o' ye afore this voyage's done! Ship for 
sailors an' turn out mermaids, \\i\] ye? 

[Exeunt Bosun and Crew and enter Dodge togged out, 
, in plug hat. yellow kid gloves, lightpants, blacK coat, with 
mustache waxed etc., while Resistance peeps out compan- 
ion-way after him and indulges in a little by play with the 
beaver by stealthily pulling it's tail, and then disapp taring. 
Dodge takes a position and endeavors to mash the mer- 
maids. Pulling his mustache, smiling, lifting his hat, etc., 
walks up to them, shrugs violently.] 

Resist. Oh, looK at the one-legged dude, yah! yah! 

Dodge. (Placing his hand on his heart.) Oui Mom'- 
zell. Oui Mon'zell, acceptly voo zee leetal geeft. (TaK- 
ing a parcel from coat-tail pocket and presenting to mer- 
maid who begins untying the parcel which is done up very 
carefully in many wrappers.) 

Resist. (Aside.) Look at dat ole masha! Jes wait 
till I go get Venus. [Kxit Resist.] 

Dodge (LoOKing too sweet.) Yo' zee onlee woowan 
zat I efTer lub, Oui Mon'zell! (Shrugging.) 

Queen. (Unrolling parcel, disclosing a pair of red 
stockings.) 

Dodge. Aint dey daisies? Oh I'se reckless w'en I lub. 
De highest dey wuz in de stoah. Oui Mon'zeell. (Shrug- 
'b^ing-) 

[Resistance re-appears in hatch-way with Venus.] 



11 

Venus. Oh you ole giddy fraud, you! I'll tell yo' wife 
onyo'. De only woman you ebba lubbed! Trifle wid my 
'fections! 

Dodge. Go way crow! Go way, I doan know yo' — 
Chicken heah now. 

Mermaid. Why, these are for mortals. We mermaids 
have no need of such things, Monseur; we mermaids have 
scales and tails, and such things as these would not be at all 
comfortable, to say the least. However, I'm just as much 
obligjed. But yo'd better keep them. (Handing to him.) 

Dodge What! Is yo' all put up dat way? Fo' God 
sake! Muinniies! Go 'long wid yo, I doan want nuthun 
to do wid none o' yo kine o' people — a comin' bo'd a ship 
heah a bodcr'n hard vvorkin' men — a- foolen 'em — lettin' on 
yo's Frt.-nch gal's! Yo all o't to be ashamed of yo'selves. 
Bloody Lindafoot! Lindafoot! Yes, Lindafoot, dat's w'at 
yo is. 

Venus. Gimme dem crushed strawberry hosiery, yo 
ole masha, yo! Go mashin' on de outside, will yo? an 
den thinK yo' kin come an' trifle wid my young 'fections. 
(Mimics his shrug and accent.) Oui Mam'zell. Oui 
Mam'zell French, aint yo'? (Snatches stocKings.) Gib 
way my crushed strawberry hosiery willyo'l Well I guess 
not. 

Dodge. Shut up o' I'll gib yo' a slushed cranberry eye! 
Venus. Yo' will, will yo'? Den yo'U git jammed gooss- 
berry one to carry, da's all. 

[Kxeuent Venus, Dodge and Resist.] 
Bell. (Advancing to sea-maids.) So you are mer- 
maids I gather. I am very glad to see you. I am the 



74 

Captain, Micajah Bonny. We are out here SnarK hunting, 
and if you and your maidens would hke to go with us, I 
should be very happy to tender you the freedom and hos- 
pitality of my vessel. 

Queen. Oh, aint you just too sweet for an\r!iing? 
That'll jutstbe elegant, won't it girls? 

(They crowd around him, throwing their arms about him.) 

Maid. (Witii arms about his neck and smiling on him.) 
Six of this style for a dollar! 

Bell. Here! One at a time, and I may live through it. 
(He stumbles upon their tails.) And just one word more 
which I trust you will taKe in the spirit in which it is offer- 
ed; while remaining upon this vessel I would advise you 
to tie up your tails in bow knots, as otherwise they may 
get mixed up with the running-gear, incommoding the 
mariners, that is all. (Maids look indignant and exclaim, 
pooh!) But. by the way, speaking of mermaids, reminds 
qpe (Pausing as though trying to recollect.) an old friend of 
mine is a mermaid; you don't happen to know the fair Phi 
lena, do you' or does she train with your gang? 

M.Aius. (Together ) Philena? Why certainly we know 
her. 

Bell (Aside.) The Devil you do! 

Queen. She was with us but a moment since. (Look- 
ing over the side.) We left her playing at tag with the 
dolphins. 

Bell Happy dolplnns. 

Queen. I can't imagine why she didn't conu^ uitii us. 
Shall I call her? 



75 

Bell. Oh, not on my account, (adding politely) if she's 
engaged with the dolphins. 

Queen Oh, don't mention it— she'll be only too glad 
to see you. Come, my maids, let us invoke her ^ i^, Gil- 
bert and Sullivan. 

Bell. (Aside.) They're very kind. I wonder if that 
Gattling there is loaded? (Looking at the mortar.) We'll 
try and give her a warm reception, any how. (Calls.) Bos- 
un!. 

[Enter Bosun.] 

H;)s. Aye, aye, sir. 

Bkll. (Pointing to the mortar.) Load up old J umbo, 
there— siiovL- in a couple pounds of dynamite and a keg of 
shingle naiis and range it on the first thing that attempts to 
board. Give me the string. (Aside.) I don't want to 
iiurt ner. Something that will just frighten her a little, 
that is all. 

Bos. Aye, aye, sir. (Loads.) 

(The sea-maids sing invocation from lolonthe.) 
Phi-le na! From thy gambols thou art summoned. 
Come to our call. come. come. Phi-le na! 
Philena! Phileni! Come to our cill, Phi-le-na! 
Phi le-na! Come! 

[Philena appears above the side in an outlandish make- 
up, and smiling terriffically. The Bellman touches off the 
mortar, which goes off with loud report and smoKe. Phi- 
lena is seen to execute a back sommersault in the air and 
fly all to pieces— pieces falling all about on deck. Done by 
means of a dummy with springs inside.] 



76 

Hell Bosun, clear awa}' this mess on deck. 

Bos. Aye, aye, sir. 

Maids. (ShrieK in chorus. Aside.) Ha, ha! We 
have gotten rid of Philena at last! 

Bell. (Turning to maids ) Accidents will happen, 
you Know You musn't mind a little thing of that kind. 
But be good girls and you .shall all go with us. That is my 
crew. (Pointing. ) 

Maids. Oh, how glumpy they all look. 

Bell. Oh, yes! But they'll not have much longer to 
wait, poor souls! We are nearing the goal and the snarK 
is at hand. (Addressing the crew in animated tones, 
while they groan.) 

Friends, Romans and countrymen, lend me your ears, 

(They are all of them fond of quotations.) 
Come lend me your ears and quiet your fears, 

Your are nearing the day of salvation. 
[Crew groans.] 

We have sailed many months, we have sailed many weeks, 
(Four weeks to the month you may mark,) 

But never as yet, 'tis your Captain who speaks, 
Have we caught the least glimpse of a snark. 
[Crew groans.] 

We have sailed many weeks, we have sailed many days, 

(Seven days to the week I allow), 
But a snark, on which we might lovingly gaze. 

We have never beheld till now! 
[Crew groans.] 



If the bowsprit gets mixed with the rudder sometimes, 

(Thats a thing, as I've often remarked, 
That frequently happens in tropical climes 

When a vessel is, so to speak, snarked). 
[Crew groan.] 
Yet the principal failing occurs in the sailing, 

And indeed I'm perplexed and distressed, 
For I had hoped, at least, when the wind blew due east, 

That the ship would not travel due west. 

[Hop Sam enters hurriedly, goes up to Bellman.] 

Hop Sam. (Speaking rapidly.) Hello Cap! Which'U 
you talce, tea or coff ? 

Bell. (Deliberat^^ly.) Which will I take, a cup of tea 
or coffee. I believe I will take coffee to-day, Sam. 

Hop Sam. (Rapidly.) Coffee? Oh, hell! Take tea. 
Aint got any coff! 

[Bellmar. throws bell at his head. Kxit Hop.] 

Hl (HoUov^Aing after him and holding up a sticK.) Hey 
Hop! Hop this. 

Bell.— 
Come, iistcn. my men, while I tell you again, 

The five unmistakable marKs 
By which you may know, whereever you go, 

Th^i warranted, genuine smarKs. 
[Crew groan ] 

Thing — 

You promised to tell us in seasons of woe. 

Some jokes that yo had in mind. 
And if you would please not be so slow, 

We'd taKc it exceedinjilv kind. 



78 

Bell. "Ri^^ht you are said Moses!" So cliirk up my 
daffy down dillies. for this song is a loUycooler right out of 
the refrigerator! It begins with a story; do you lixe funry 
stories? (They crowd around hiin, witli "\'es! Oh yes!") 

Bell. (Impressively.) W'ell! Once upon a time there: 
was an inn, in fronr of which stood in iron pear tree, which 
inn was kept by a good old Irish lady and her second hus" 
band. One day, perchance, a pedlar calling that way with 
his pack, stopped at the inn to obtain refreshment. Now 
it happened that her goodman was away at the time, so the 
old lady herself came out to welcome the guest. 'Good 
day, my good luadame. ' said the pedlar. 'Good day to you 
kindly, Sir, and where might you be from?' said the old 
lady. *I am direct from Paris, iMam.' replied the pedlar, 
'and have stopped at your inn to obtain a night's lodging, 
and a meal's victuals.' 'From Paradise!' exclaimed the old 
lady. 'From Paris, Mam.' said the pedlar. 'Paradise!' ex- 
claimed the old lady once more, 'You are the first man from 
Paradise, who ever travelled this way.' 'Well, Paradise, if 
you will have it so' said the f)edlar. 'Hum!' said the old 
lady. 'And do you Know my first husband Johnn}' Penn, 
who died and went to Paradise about four year ago?' 
'Johnny Penn? — Johnu}^ Penn?' said the pedlar, scratching 
his head, *Oh yes! I Know Johnny very well.' 'Well now! 
said the old lady. 'And how is Johnny, an' how's he gettin' 
along at all?' 'Oh, Johnny's doing very well,' said the 
pedlar. 'The last time I saw Johnny, he was wheeling turf 
for a shaw-bone race that's to come off next weeK.' 'Now 
you don't tell me that!' exclaimed the old lady. 'And did 
you hear Johnny express himself as in want of anything?' 



79 

'Well,' said ihe peillar, 'now I come to think of it, I believe 
1 do recollect hearing Johnny say that he'd like to have a 
good suit of clothes, a purse of money, and a horse; so as 
to be able to make a creditable appearance on the day of 
the race.' 'And would you be kind enough to take these 
things to Johnny, if I were to provide them?' asked the old 
lady. '01i, certainly, Madame, I 'spose he'd do as much 
for me.' said the pedlar. So the old lady went and got her 
husband's best suit of clothes, and a purse of his money, 
and brought a horse from the stable, which, by the way, 
proved to be a bob-tailed mare, and gave them to the ped" 
lar to take to her first husband Johnny Penn, who died and 
went to Paradise. So, the pedlar, put the purse of money 
in his pocKet, mounted the horse's back, and tying the bun- 
dle of clothes on in front, and his pack on behind, bid the 
old lady good-bye, and rode away, thinKing how cleverly he 
had hoodwinked her. He rode on till he came to 
a field where there was a shepherd tending his sheep. 
'Hello, shepherd!' said the pedlar, 'Will you tell a lie for a 
dollar?' 'Hum!' said the pedlar, 'I've told many a one for 
nothing!' 'Well,' said the pedlar, 'there'll be a man on 
horse back alon^ here pretty soon, looKing for me, and 
he'll be awful mad. I want you to tell him that I rod^ 
right up in the air.' 'All right,' said theshepherd, 'Pli 
do it, and make him believe it too.* And the pedlar, toss- 
ing him a ninety Cent dollar, took the first cross-road and 
was soon out of sight. 

Not long after the peddler had left the inn, the old wo- 
man's husband arrived home and was met by her at the 
door, 'Oh, my dear good second husband,' said she, 'an' 



8o 

who do you think has been here since you have been gone 
to-day?' 'And how can I know?' repHed he 'and who was 
it, then?' 'Oh!' said she, 'there was a man herestraiglit h-nni 
Paradise, who knew my dear first husband, Johnny Penn. 
who died and went to Paradise four years rl^o.' Your 
dear first grand'mother!' replied her husband. \t:X<.c. *0h 
it's the truth, ivery word oft, and learning from him that 
Johnny was in need of a few things, I '^ent him a suit of 
your clothes, a purse of money, and the bob taih^d mare« 
which he was kind enough to take for me, which things ye 
weh Know we can spare, and they may be of much service 
to Johnny, good man!' 'What road did he take?' cried her 
husband, jumping upon his horses bacK without anothi-r 
word. The old hidy told him, and putting spurs lo the 
horse he gallopped afier him, very wrathy tothinKhow the 
old lady had been taKen in. Pretty soon he came to the 
field where the shepherd was sitting, and reined in h.is 
horse and hailed him, with: 
Inn Keeper. — 

Oh, bonny shepherd, can you tell me 

Whither a man and mare are riding, 
With coal-black hair, on a bob-tailed marr? 
Methinks I'm not far behind him. 
Shepherd. — 

Oh, yes, I saw a man a riding, 

The which did much surprise my wit; 
For tlie man and the mare rode up in the air. 
And I see 'em yet! and I see 'em yet! 
Inn Kerfkk. (LooKing upward, as lie sing and shading 
his e}'es.) 



Si 

Oh surely, shepherd, thou'art mistaKcn, 
Thou sure art beside thy wit. 

ShEI'HERD. — 

Odd zook! says he, sit you down by me, 
For I see 'em yet! for I see 'em yet! 

Inn Keeper. — 

• At first me thinks my eyes were dim, 
But now indeed I see more clear, 
Fov in yonder cloud I see my mare, 

/\s she goes wavering through the air. 
And then this man began to shout as though a hailing 
to some friend, 
VVhay. whoa! Gee, whoa! Whay, whoa! Gee, whoa! 
To mv wife's first husband, Johnny Penn, 
To my wife's first husband, me recommend. 
Chorus (after each verse.) 

Tim a ri fol lo do raddle dink a dum di. 

Right fol dum di dol day. 
Tum a ri fol lo do raddle dink a di do, 
Raddle diddle dump di dol do day. 
Thing. Very good for an old man! I'll sing you the 

latest Paris sensation. 

All Oh, go on Hi. Do Thingumajig. We'd so 
like to hear you. 

Thing. (Sings lazily.) 

''Sing to me johnny, 
Sing to me Jack." 
(Mermaids and all join in the choruses.) 
Bell. Well done, Thingumajig. You're of the right 



82 

stu T.rtcr all. There's gre it leather in you. (^Turning to 
tile BnrristeV. ) Now, Barrister, you might favor the com- 
pany with one of your old p irliamentary speeches, as I 
notice your brief b;ior's stuffed quite full. 

Barkistkr. 1 1 its all the saiiie I'll sing- them a song. 

Belt. All right, Judge, t^ive us a good campaign song, 
and we'll re elect you bv' mu overwhelming majority. 

BarkIs. Fellow citizens! As the morning'ssun may dis- 
close to our delighted gaze our dear and long-sought, Snark; 
I'll sing you a song in keeping with our thrilling, expectant, 
hearts, called "Good Morning." 

(Barrister undoes his brief bag and brings out a banjo, 
well wrapped in legal paper.) 

Barrlstkr (Tuning up.) Does any r)ne else here liap- 
pen to Know "Good Morning?" 

Bki.l. I tnink, Barrister, I can help yon out, myself. 
If we only had another banjo. 

(Barrister produces aiioiher from brief-bag- The}' seat 
themselves close together and play and sin.g alternate lines, 
maintaining the utmost gravity and making grotesqes 
faces, the while. They sing. ) 

Good morning! Good morning! Good morni)ig, said she. 
And where are you going, fair lad)'? said he, 

Oh, I'm going to the l)anks, to the bauKs of Lolee, 

For to see the waters glide — hear the nightengale sing. 
(Both repeat last line together.) 

And onward, and onv\'ard, and onward thev go. 

Till they come to the banks, to the banks of Lolee, 
And they sat themselves down by the clear purling stream, 



83 
For to see the waters glide— hear the nightengale sing. 
(Repeat last Une.) 

Then out from his budget a fiddle he drew, 

And said he to the lady 'shall I play you a tune?' 

And he played her a tune caused the valley to ring. 

'Hark! Hark!' said the lady, 'hear the nightingale sing!' 
(Repeat last line.) 

'Oh them,' said the lover, "tis time to give o'er.' 
'Oh no!' said the lady, 'play me one tunc more; 

For I'd rather hear the fiddle, or the touch of one strmg, ^ 
As to see the waters glide— hear the nightingale sing.' 
(Repeat last line.) 

'Oh then,' s lid the lover, will you marry me? 

Oh no, said the lady, that never can be, 
I've a husband in the Northland and children twice three, 

And another in the the army's too many tor me. 
(Repeat last line.) 

Oh then, said the lover, to the North I will go, 

And I'll spend me a year drinKing;, wine, ale and beer, 

And if ever I return it shall be in the spring, 

For to see the waters -lide— hear the nigtengale sing. 
(Last lime repeat together,) 

(The orchestra takes up the tune as they cease singing. 
The Barrister and Bellman lay down banjos and join m a 
fantastic dance which turns in an Irish jig, which the Bell- 
man and Barrister execute in lively style, slappmg the 
floor with their hands, &c.) [Curtain.] 



ACT IV. 

Scene in Galleif same as Jot 2d — Pots, Fans, <^'c., hung 

up, bright as Dollars— Ever ij thin !^ in Apple- Pie 

Ordet — Resistance Scruhhing. 

Dodge. (Standing over Resistance a.s curtain ri.ses. ) 
Tiefs! robbas! iiitelopas! cut throats! hidebindas! loota.s! 
WhatI I got a good notion to kill yo an' be done bodderin 
wid yo! Come trampin' in on de white scrubbed deck, dat 
I been down on my kness a scourin' — a doin' yo own wo'k 
fo' yo an' den hab yo a walkin' right in on't inessin' itriglit 
up ag'in wid yo dirty feet! What! Doan try to talk back 
to nie, Sunrise; jes Keep on scrubbin'. Put on plenty of 
soda, 3'o'll be burnt up ennyways some day. Doan be 
'fraid ob maKin' it hard for de man dat comes afta yo'. 
Rub't! Dar's a whole dozen basket full of soap an' soda 
dar. What! heah inspection a commin' on wid all sail set, 
and ebbvtin"-'s t^one wTong I laid mv han' to this bloodv^ 
mornin'. Look sharp, now, Zistance, an' git thro' wid dat 
an' git dis hog pen cleaned up some time to-day! Dar's 
trubble a brewin'; I feel it in ni\' bones! Trnbble! trubble! 
dls day ob ou' Lo'd! Dar's a black spot on de goose bone 
fo' to-day an' dat means trubble. It nebba yet lied tome! 

(Venus enters singing, pointing at him and laughing 



85 

aided by Dismal outside. From. lolanthe.) 

Venus. — 
The lady of my love has caught me talking with another, 
Oh, fie! our Dodgy is a rogue! 

Dismal. An' tries to make us bTevc dat de lady wuz 
his mutha: Ya! ya! ya! 

Vknus. Tarradiddle, tarradiddle, tolloJlay! (Laughs.) 

Dodge. (Gut of ail patience.) Gitout a dati Feeto! 
Feeto! Git dem oie ham feet off dat scrubbed deck, yo big 
black wench, yo'! Fo' de-Lo'd, I'll hit yo wid dc hin' leg 
ob Judas Scariott. Yo come pestern 'roun' me! I scald 
yo, yo dam dismal voiced hidebinda an' dod I'll maKe yo 
change yo tune, sho's I'se a foot high! 

Venus. 1 come to get my cup o' choklet. 

Dodge. Go on out o' heah. Don't try to talk to me, 
nigga! Choklet! Yo's donevvid yo choklet drinkin* dis 
tripj No choklet made in dis galley fo' co'n fiei' niggas! 
De day of yo grace is done past nigga! Go way an' drink 
yo boot leg coffee same as de res' o' yo kine o* people; an' 
yo jes wait, too, till dey gits deres; so go on yo way! I 
knows you! 

Venuss. Oh, Dodgy, I nebba tho't dis ob you! 

Dodge. Go on out an' do yo' honein' long wid dat Dis- 
mal coon, out dar. See if he's got enny choklet fo' yo. 
I'se done purified my sef ob all yo Kine. Enny body can't 
take a joRe like dat de oddaday, widout gittin' mad, I'm 
donc^wid 'em (Rushes her out and: pulls^ sliding door 
shut.) 

Venus. Oh, Dodge, yo own little Venus! 

Dodge. (Standing against the door.) Too late! Too 



86 

late! De doo's closed an' de day o' grace done past. 
Kase dey'll stan' at de doo' an KnocK an' it'll be closed un- 
to 'enn. So go way hussy! Go way Lindafoot! Dam 
tiefs! robbas! cuttroats! hidebindas! intelopes! Go drink- 
pie boot leg coffee long wid Dismal Smith. He'll gib yo a 
cup, but I'm 'fraid yo'll hab to do wid brown suga. Yah! 
yah! (To Resistance.) Come, come, boy! git dat wiped 
dry an' bequicK. son. Inspection'll be on us like a white 
squall, hea'n a minnitan' ketch us all aback. Look a little 
Mve, son. I'se jes got time now to go git on my 'spection 
clothes. So look live dar an' git out de way wid yo muss* 
soon as de good Lo'd'll let yo. (The old man sits down 
and pulls off his shoes, disclosing a pair of very bad socks. 
He sets the shoes in the corner. Exit Dodge.) 

Resist. (Picking up bucket to go.) Dam ole fool, a 
makin' me do all dis scrubbin'! It's all nonsenj^e, das w'at 
'tis! VVe's boun' to come togedda fo' dis trip's done. 
[Exit Resistance. Enter Hop,] 

Hop. (Goes and turns up the bottle, first wiping the 
mouth carefully. It proves empty.) Unamokahilo! unak- 
umba! unakaday! unakiuna! AUee saincc fly nigga. Free 
hi soucie foot. Free hi soucie foot how sooey. 01c nig no 
here — Hop Sam allee samee blaKee him heartee. Ole nig 
no catchee China, China catchce ole nig,you bet. (Looking 
around critically ) Hell! Cook maKee all nice flo insplect 
shun, allee samee maKee cleaixe. Ha, ha! Scrubbe deck 
— scrubbee pan. Try foolee Cap'n, makee he thtnK him 
white, allee samee black nig, ugh! bah! (Tip-toes to door 
and peeps out.) Ha! ha! I fixee ole nig. Ha, he! Cap'n 
Killee he. (Picks up Dodge shoes and hurriedly removes a 



:S7 

Stove-lid and blacks the bottoms of shoes heaily with soot 
and quicKly replaces them in corner, and steps to the door 
and takes another peep, then puts his hands in the shoes 
and crawls across the decK on all-fours, leaving black shoe- 
prints, as though caused by a person walking. Replaces 
shoes in corner— peeps out — returns and blacks the bot- 
tom of some of the pans. Viewing his work from the door.) 
Ha! he! Cook so mad allee samee chokee and die. Ha! 
ha! Galley Iook liKe hellee. He! he! [Exit Hop.] Me 
good boy — go sleepee now. 

[Dodge's voice heard singing * 'Happy Day." Enter 
Dodge in white duck pants. Goes to glass and arranges 
his hair, singing the while. 

"He taught me how to watch an' pray, 
An' go rejoicin' ebbry day; 

Happy day! Happay day, when J " 

Looks around at galley and instantly utters a cry of sur- 
prise.] • 

Dodge. Fo' de g-o-o-d Lo'd sake! What! Resistance! 
Oh, de ole man's cup ob grief is obbaflowin'! Resistance, 
whare is yo got to? Come heah an' 'pare to die! Who 
done dis deed? Who done dis deed? Oh! de big linda- 
footl Oh! de dirty ole tramps! You die! you die! who- 
ebba yo is. Tiefs! robbas! hidebindas! intelopes! lootas! 
Oh, oh, oh, (walks about wringing his hands.) 'Sistance 
is yo commin'? De ole man's cup ob misery is full an' 
obbaflowin'. 

[Enter Resistance with pan of vegetables.] • 
Dodge. Oh, dar yo is! yo houn' of Satun, yo! Wa's 
all dis on dis clean scrubbed deck? Git yo bucKet! Git yo 



bucket! Git yo bucket! Git yo 1)1101^61! 

RHSi&T. Qh, my, who doncdat? Deiri aint my foot 
tracks. 

Dodge. Pull dat door shut an' git down on yo ban's 
an' Knees — ^doan stop to talk— an' git dat; off: da, as fas' as 
dc-Lo'd'll let yo! (Resistance shuts the door and goes to 
scrubbing vigorously ) Doiin low no one in — not eben de 
Bellman. Lock it on de inside: Inspsction comin' right 
up de gang-way heah! Dis means a man sewed ub in can- 
vas. Dey can't do dis wid de ole man en' lib to go in po't 
an' tell it Dey mi&kalklate efide^- tinK dati I fix 'em so 
he'll go obba dc side to feed sharRs an' tw^ont be de: fust 
one needder! Sit down to't; yes, das rite. I'll git a cush- 
ion made an' fastened onto de boosum ob yo pants w'en 
we gits in po't. Dat deck mus' be hard on yo. Hoi' on, 
dar, boy, jes one minnit, till I git dis foo' foot rule on dat 
elephant track. (Measures.) Fo' de ko'd! whoebba see 
sich a dam big JumJ^o ham foot; its a disgrace to de human 
race! H-b won't need no weights at his feci to sinK him to 
de bjDtton, he won't: (Measures foot-printand marks out 
a copy on a piece of paper ) I'll bust dey'r stini? pots^fo' 
'em. Ef dey 'scapes oleDodgenes, den dev's good ones, 
da's all. De minnit yo sticK yo nose out in dey comes a 
lootin'. Dis»^ting ob packin' an' carryin' out de stuff an' 
ship's propaty, an' stuffin' in dey're roun' bottom valises 
has got to stop ennyhow. De olerman don't git a chance 
to maKe a cent. De bloody lot ob lootas! 

Resist. (Pausing in scrubbing.) What is dis roun' 
bottom valise, ennyhow? 

Dodge. Go on wid dat scnibdin' da! You too ig'nant 



89 

to HI), yo is. Whose got one? who aint got one? Dats 
what yo better ask. Yo got mo' ignance 'bout yo own 
glorious free country dan enny free Amerikun sov'run I 
ebba heerd ob! Didn' yo nebba heah 'bout ole Squeeler 
Colfaxe'san OaK Amezes roun' bottom vaHses full of Cred- 
it Mobilya an' de way Jim Blaine tuck sick wid sun stroke 
jes es dey wuz a goin' to obba-iiuli his'n. Dey all say dat 
Benjamin Butler, de puritan gubbna, had one in New Or- 
leans, but few b'leve dat on Ben now. But dar wuz Gener 
al Ulysus w'en he got de freedom ob de earth, he tried to- 
git a ronn' bottom valise to put it in so he could lugit away 
wid him, an' he come on home at last wid mo'n a dozen 
ole roun' bottoius chucK lull, jes de same; but he didn't 
quite git dc '.arth. Now w'en yo go obba in Dismal 
Smith's room, haul out dat long canvas bag ob his'n from 
unda de bunk, wid de roun' piece on de end, an' see how 
many pounds ob lea an' suga an' cans ob condensed milk 
he's got stowed away in't long wid his ole clothes. Dats 
what'yo call a roun' bottom valise, an' dey's all got 'em! 
But fo' God sake, doan he talKin' politics o' dcy'll be dirt 
heah fa*sta'n we kin scrub't away. Rub! Rub!^ My son! 
Git yo name up, an' jes Keep quiet 'bout't an' doan say 
a wo' to nobody. Rub away, boy! Don't stop to talK. 
What's de matta wid yo? Do yo wan't me to do't mysel? 
Scrub behind yo! Reach out as fa' as yo can, an' take a 
wide sweep. It's all got to be done obba! Not jes dem^ 
places, oh no! Walk back on yo Knees like a cray-fish an' 
den yo wont muss whar yo've already scrubbed. Come 
heah an' ship fo' a steamship man an' don't ebbcn know 
how to scrub yet! Come, come, time yo had dat all done 



90 

long 'gbl (Resistance mutters inaudibly.) Don't give rne 
enny bacK talk! I wont hab it, son. I jes as lief spit yo' 
my son, as talk kind to yo. I tell yodese tings onct to let 
yo know 'em, dats all. Yo ask 'em all on dis line of shii)H 
who I is an' dey'll tell yo! I got my name up, son — I hold 
my own wid enny ob 'em. Dey ail Know me! Oh, heah! 
(Disgusted and out of patience. Snatching brush and 
cuffing him.) Gib me dat brush, you maKe me sick. I 
might as well hab nobody an' a dam site betta dan hab yo 
Watch me operate on dis muck heah. Stan' 'side an' git 
out de way, yo no mo' ust roun' a galley dan two tails is to 
a yailer dog. (Scrubbing vigorously and purposely splash" 
ing suds upon Resistance. Jumping up spryly, hands Re- 
sistance the brush, cuffs him in the back of the necK an<l 
hustles out.) Dar, take dat, and dat! (Cuffs.) MaKe a 
move, son, o' I hit yo wid de hind leg ob Judas Scariott! 
Git down dar an' dry dat all up, fo' I git back, or I'll make 
it hard fo' yo, I tell yo now! I'll jes go quiet an' nose 
around an' see who got dis size foot an' I'll pizun him an' 
he'll nebba Know what tuck him off. ^ 

[Exit Dodge with paper.] 
Resist. (Sullenly.) I wonda w'at he taKe me fo'enny- 
ways-a slappen-cuffen me aroun'? I'se gwine to 'sert my 
sef, I is — 'sert my manhood! * 'Split" me, will he? An 
who'll I be splitten? I'll git rite up an' mop de galley up 
wid his shape! Dis heah ting ob getten knocked 'bout by 
a cripple's done played out. De monkey an' de parrot dey 
had one hell ob a time, but de parrot he got his tail pulled 
out! If I'd a dozen tails, I wouldn't hab one left by dis 
time! (Feeling behind with his hand.) An' dat ole cripple 



91 

betta stop his monkc'n wid me, if he wants to Keep out de 
track ob a cyclone! Kase I'm gwineto 'scrt mysef if I is 
little, fo' I'sejes' as good a man ascbba wusmade, an' I'se 
gwine to 'sert my manhood fo' dis voyage's obba! (Puts 
away bucket and brush ) Dar! dat'U do fo' scrubben'; I 
doan want to mak't too hard fo de man dat comes afta me! 
It aint rite nohow fo' a man to lib on to bodda people wid 
his crossness, afta he gits a hunded yeahs ole; Deys too 
mr^.'in fo ennyone to hab to wo'k unda, 'Codun to his own 
sayso. he's a hunded and two, an't cant be made nuthun 
else! And heah's de papahs fo' it, rite in my diary! (Takes 
book from pocket, and reads:) De age ob Dodgenees John- 
son, told by himsef at diffunt times on dis ship, an^ added 
up at one time by his dear tren' Dismal Smith. See his 
reco'd an' time below: Sixteen yeahs in de Flyen Dutch- 
man; Seben in de Glory ob de Sea,s; Nine in de barque 
America-second mate; 'Bout fifteen yeahs in odda Snahk 
ships; Two Cop'rel in de Union Ahmy-Fo'ty nine yeahs! 
Nineteen inde French navj; Eight yeahs prisnah wid de 
pirates; Twenty six yeahs body serbent to Ginral George 
Washunton. All togedda one hunded an two deahs ole, 
an sebral counties not heerd fom. P. S. He's de biggest 
bluffa ob his age a sailen. X. X. He doan want to know 
no mo' 'bout mermaids. Ya! Ya! Hi! Ya! (Exit Resist. 
^ (Enter Dodge and JaKy.) 

Jaky. Oh nevermind Diogenes! accidents will happen 
on the best clipper ships. 

Dodge. Yo' cant come tell me nuthun JaKy; Dis aint 
noax'dunt, it'ssignsan' wondahs! Signs an" wondahs! Jaky; 
I kin feel't a comen'! I kin feel't u comen'! 



Jaky. What's a comen'? (Looking around.) 

Dodge. Jaky, nay boy, my ole fren' Jaky, dar's Boojums 
bin roun' de galley afta de ole man! Dcy done left' dey're 
tracks Jaky! Suinpun's goan happen de ole man, I know't! 

Jaky. Well, Diogenes, all that I've got to say is that if 
one comes at you, dont run, 'cause it'll only jcs' catch you 
ennyhow, and get it just all the madder; just stopand apol- 
ogise with it. You bet I'll do it ev'ry titne! 

Dodge. Oh yes. in yo' mind yo'd stop! But no, I tells 
yo' Jaky, de galley's witched wid de Boojum! But de good 
booK heah'll Keep 'em 'way, Jaky. (Taking a delapidated 
book from the top of shelf, and blowing the dust off of it. 
views the torn leaves.) Wat a shame to 'buse de good 
booK like dat. 

Jaky. So you would lite your old pipe with it would 
you? No wonder that the Boojum is after you Diogenes. 

Dodge Who lit dey're pipe wid de leaves ob de holy 
bible? I'se nebba tetciied de bloody book once since we 
bin out yo dam little bow-legged Hah you! No, Jaky, I'd 
soonah put my rite han' in de hah, ai'.' yo' know't, Jaky, 
Ebbry nite when yo' all done turned in yo' bunKs. de white 
winged angels flies down 'round de mainsail, an' lites on de 
sKylite, an' peeKs down in de galley, an' sees de ole man 
wid degoodbooK on his Knee. But no, Jaky, de Boojum 's 
got sumpun 'gin me! De ole coffee-pot would'tbile fo' 
two blessed hours, wid de debble's own fiah blazen' undait.. 
An' den foot-prints marken upjo' de dccK, rite fo' my own 
bloody eyes, an' nobody to be seen! No! No! JaKy, I tel^ 
yo' I'm done! I Kin read signs! dis is de ole man's last trip- 



93 

It's no ustjaky, wen dey turns Jacks on you ebbry time, it's 
time to draw out ob de game. 

Jaky. Oh don't give up, Diogenes, you've got a chance, 
like the rest of us yet. 

Dodge. Oh no, JaKy, I knows w'at I'se talken; I bin 
ship-scrapen longa'n you has. I wuz a dam fool fo' ebba 
shippen on de bloody ship; das' wat I wuz. (Exit Jaky.) 
(Dodge croons on an old camp-meeting song.) 
Yo'll hab sistahs in dat day, 
Dat'U rise an' fl}' away; 
Fo' to heah dat trumpet sounden' in dat mo'nin. 
Cryin' oh Lo'd! We would liKe to go along wid Thee 
Fo' to heah dat trumpet soundin, in dat mo'nin. 
Fo' Gabrile's goan to blow &c 
(Enter Venus.) 
Venus. Dar's bin a coldness sprung up 'tween us, dat 
I feels dat I am de cause ob, an' to blame fo' — Ob 'cose if 
you wants dem hosiery back wy — 

Dodge. (Interrupting.) Keep 'em! Keep 'em! I wuz 
only tryen' yo' wid de hosiery. 

Venus. (Coquettishly.) Oh aint you awful! I wont 
do nuthun ob de Kine in heah. 

Dodge. Won't do nuthun ob w'at Kine? 
Venus. You know w'at you said. Did you 'spose fo' 
a minnit dat I'd be big 'nufffool to do't w'en you asKed me? 
I guess dey'll fit all rite. 

Dodge. Fo' de Lo'd! W'at'll fit all rite? 
Venus. De stocKens! You fool yo'! W'at you 'spose? 
Dodge. (Hiding his face in his hand.) When! Fo' de 
Lo'd! ain't yo' shamed yo'sefi> Go on now, de Bellman'U 



94 

i)j in heah fo' inspection enny minnit now; so git along! 

Venus. Oil de Bellman's up on dcjibbooma hearen' 
'em all say dey're catechisms — He won't be down heah fo' 
an houah no way, an' you Kno'^v dat I come fo' my chokiet. 

Dodge. Yo' chokiet? Well, den i recKon dat I'll haff to 
go lo wo'k an' makc't fo' you; Keep rite wid me, Venus, 
an' stay sensible, an' you'll h.ib choKlet wen de captun 
won't I'se Isid in a few littie dclicates, mysef, dis voyage 
(Takes down a sauce-pan, and begins preparing chocolate.) 

Venus. You did? 

Dodge. Did I? What! Wy on de Lis' ship I wuz on. 
We had one ob dese ya Yankee s^ippas an his wife, an 
talk 'bout yo floatin' poo' houses! dat beat my time Wy 
a poo* libben ship? She wuz stihvashun afloat wid a goat's 
hed nailed to de cabin doo'! Ole Mrs. Captun ust to come 
a sailen np on yo' close-hauled, an 'ud git to windard ob 
yo' ebbry time g( yo' didn' look sharp But I wuz posted 
on her, an' de ole man too, fo' ebba I went in er; an de 
carpenta an' mc, went to de supply stoh' fo' we lef po't, 
an laid in a supply of chokiet, cocoa, wite sugar, condensed 
rnilk, an' butta-biscuit. What! an' fine ole Java coffee and 
green tea, um! and fine canned goods ob all kinds, an 
filled ou' trunKs plum full an' a chest besides. An' wen 
we got out it wuz wuss'n distress in Ireland in de fo'castle. 
De sailo's wuz a libben on pea soup rite 'long, an' boot-leg 
coffee. Good 'nufffo' 'em tho'; an' a barl of salt hoss had 
to las' 'em jes' so many days o' dey went widout. If dey 
ask't fo' dey're whack, dey got whacked in the neck by de 
big Norweigean mate. An' de capun's wife wuz Kalklatun 
on ebbry speck dat come in de gallery f'om de cabin to be 



95 

cooked. Got so she wouldn' send de tea out at all, fraid 
de rite weight wouldn' come back agen, but got hot watah 
an' made't in de cabin bersef. Wouldn' low no milk no' 
sugar to come to de galley 't all. Sed she knew de cook 
stole cause she could smell 'em makin' tea an* coffee, an 
see de empty cups an' all dat. Yah! Yah! 
Venus. Oh! De ole cat! She did? 

Dodge. So finely she sent one ob her nasty little kids 
out to de galley wen me an' de ca'penta set down to eat, 
an' back it goes an' tells its mother 'bout wat we had 
So out comes Mrs. Captun to de galley, an' in she 
comes a smilen wicKed, an' smells roun' wid her nose, an 
says: Oh, my! Cook aint dat tea I smell? I reckon it is, 
I sez. and paid no 'tention to 'er but went on eaten. Pass 
de devil-ham an' chow chow, sed de Ca'penta. Han' me 
dem butta bisKits an' de presarbed pares, an' fill up yo 
glass dar wid claret; an' dar she stood white ez a sheet, a 
bitin' her lip. Chips says, heah, little gal, yo want a lump o* 
suga? an' he gib de chile a few lumps ob white suga, an' I 
wuz openin' a quart can of presarbed pares, when de little 
gal say, (Imitating the child's tones.) Oh mama, look at de 
cook an' ca'penta, they've got pares fo' dinna; we didn't hab 
no pares fo' our dinna, did we mamma? Yes cook, sez 
Mrs Capun, I bin noticin' dat mysef and I think its come 
to purty pass, wen the cook libs better than the Capun. 
I'll see the Steward about those presarbed pares; I'd been 
saving them; you'll hear from de Captun, both ob yo! 
Well, said ole Chips, they's very nice pares. Hum! said 
Mrs. Captun, don't get insulent; I'll jes take dat can to the 
Captun, said she. Well, said I berry polite, excuse me, 



96 

Mrs. Dumphy, but wont you please be good 'nuff to see ef 
dats yo Kind ob pares fo' yo take 'em. What do yo mean? 
says she, why, aint yo pares all jes common X brand, wid 
de pictu' ob a flag on de cans. Wow look at de pictu' on 
dis can. Dis can cost me sixty cents in po't at wholesale, 
an' ef yo've got enny sich brand ob pares as dat in dis ship's 
supplies, I aint seed 'em. Well, well! Land ob lub! Yah! 
Yah! 

Venus. Oh you didn'? 

Dodge. What! I didn'? I hope I may nebba see de 
back o' my neck ef I didn'. Well, up went her nose an' 
out she sailed an' she nebba come neah de galley agen de 
whole voyage. Yah! Yah! Takes me to take down dis 
ya white trash 'stocKracy. 

[While he tells the story to Venus, others, including Re- 
sistance, have entered and listen to him. Dodge holds the 
s^uce-pan, (one which the Chinaman had smeared with 
soot,) in his hand, and absent-mindedly, keep rubbing his 
hand over the blacK bottom, and wiping it upon the rear ot 
his white ducK pants, at which everyone, including Venus, 
are splitting their sides, while Dodge joins in the laughing 
at his own story. Dodge begins to smell a rat. Resist- 
ance lays down and laughs hysterically. Dodge taKes a 
tumble to state of his pants behind and heaves 'the sauce- 
pan and contents at Resistance — advances on him. Re- 
sistance resists and asserts himself and gets in good 
worK with his "dukes," while the old man gets in 
some good back-handed swipes, but is clearly done-up in 
one round.] 

Dodge. Dar boy, yo fo'ced me to striKe yoan'yodone 



97 

got't, I did'n want to strike a boy, but yo made me d'^'t. 

Resist. Ef yo want enny mo', dars plenty in de same 
shop dat come f'oni! 

DoLXiE. Go on, boy, go on! I doan wanttohaffto hit 
a little boy. 

Resist. I^e little, I Know I is, but Tse ahot little New 
Yo'k moke — an' too hot fo' yo nut, ole man! 

DoDGi:: Yo s insane, bov! Go on 'bout yo wo/k! I 
wouldn' hit yo no mo', yo's too sickh. 

Resist. Dats all rite! 1 done tole yo not fool wid me, 
I wuz loaded, but yo would, an' now yo got it! 

[A noise heard of chains and loud order from above "All 
hands on deck, here! " All repeat the order, and rush up 
and exeunt all but Dodge, who quietly sits down and so- 
liloquizes.] 

Dodge. Hm! I done called a regla cyclone dat time, 
shoo! (Goes and cuts a piece ot stcaK and holds it on his 
eye.) W'y, dam et he can't box like a bar! ''All ban's on 
deck," hey! Dat don't mean me. I b'long right heah in 
de galley an' got no bizness on deck. I Knows my place. 
I done seed nuff snahk fightin' jes now to do me fo* one 
voyage. I ain' no hog — 1 know w'en I'se got nuff, least I 
hope I does. 

(V^oices in chorus above, heard repeating) # 

**\^u may seek it with thimbles," &e. * 

(The Bellman's voice ) 

For England expects — I forbear to re'peat — 
'Tis a maxim tremendous but trite. 

So you'd best be unpacking the thin|_:^fs that you need, 
To rig yourself out for the fight. 



98 

Dodge. (LooKing out the port.) Ship done come to 
ancho' an' dey's gvvine off to hunt de snahk, but Dodgenes 
has had all de snahK he wants dis trip. Heaintgoan asho' 
to fool wid no snahk. 

(Bellman's voice above.) For Saint George, and Old 
England! Forward SnarK-hunters! Come on Cook! Come 
on, Diogenes! Come help us corral the SnarK! 

Dodge. Go on an' hunt an' fite yo' Si;aliK! I aint stop- 
pen yo* is I? I ain't got no truck wid de Snahk-Go on, fite 
out yo' own fusses; I doan mix mysef up de white folk's 
fites no mo'; I done bin bit up, an' scratched 'nuff in my 
time, a mixen' my fool sef up in white folk's fitens, whar 
I had v.o biznus; but I wuz a younga man den 'en I is now! 
Oh no Fse too ole to go get mysef knocked 'round, an' cut 
up now! So go on, an' don't bodda me— I come signed fo' 
cook — not to fite no Snahks — an' I come pooty neah a 
kwovven' my place! Go ketch yo' Snahk, an' fetch it to me 
heah in de galley, an' Fll cooK't fo' you--sarve it wid greens 
o' enny odda style! 

Bell. (Above.) Brown! Brown! Come on Brown! 

Dodge. 'Come on Brown" be damned! I ain't lib'd dis 
long fo' nuthun! Fse nuthun but a nigga-an ole nigga cook! 
an* I nows my place, an' can keep't, an' doan persume to 
meddle up whah Fse got no biznus no' rite — an' 'sides Fse 
an 'Merikun eitizun, an' de United States'll perteck me 
Yo' all o't to be shamed come a ask'n' an ole man like me! 
to go .long to he'pyo' all fite! Oh no! De galley's plenty 
good 'nuff fo' de ole nigga! I Kin stay heah, an' keep cool, 
'till yo' git bacK, FrecKons, ef yo' ebba come back. So go 
on hunt yo' Snahk, now^ yo' done come all dis ways to do't! 



99 

Ifyo' git killed yo' ^o to Hebben in a han'-baskct, an' ef 
yo' don't, yo'll go to Chicago ennyhovv! — Changey fo' 
changey — a white dog fo' a black monKC) ! Yah! Yah! 
But I guess &At Dodgenees jes' 'bout conies poo'ty ncidi a 
knowcn' his biznuss, an' 'nuft'to let Boojums 'lone, ez long 
ez his set ob brains dont go bacK on 'im! Oh no! Huntin' 
Snuhks be bl<»ody well blowod! Dc ole irian'U sit rite heah 
by de ice-box, an' smoke his ole dhudeen. (Sounds from 
above have ceased, and all is still. ) Uni! dey's all gone! I 
doan heah 'em no mo' up dar. Um! Ef dat Resistunce 
tackles dat Snuhk, I bet he'll maKe't mighty hardfor't! Ya! 
Yah! Well! Well! (Changing his tune, suddenly.) Whieu-' 
I wondah how long dey goan to be gone? What ef dat Boo- 
jum 'ud come an' ketch meal! by mysef? Look heah, nigga, 
yo' wuz a dam fool fo' staycn heah all 'lone! Venus gone 
an' leff metoo, an' Jen heah I is 'lone wid de Boojum, an' 
not de fust bloody drop ob s(iuar-facc in de bottle! Dc hole 
wo'ldan' all done gone lefl" ole DoJgcnees now! Ebbryting 
gone back on'de ole man now, 'cept his good ole fiddle! 
(TaKes up fiddle, and plays "The Arkansas Traveller," 
when Justin the middle of tune, a string .snaps.) Um! Um! 
Well dats a pooty good snap! (The orchestra begins softly 
playing "The Boogy Man," Two blacks dance softly, 
and cautiously, into the galley. [Two tunes at once.] They 
have red noses, pink eyebrows, \vhite hair, and black 
tights with clouts. Dodge hears them and grows very 
riervous in his playing, which, grows very draggy, jerKy 
and slow, while his hair raises. He is afraid to turn his 
head to look.) 

DoDGK. (In a whisper.) SnahKs! Snahks! and Boo- 



100 

jums! Wheu! De ole man's time's some! Wat a fool I 
wuz to stay heah in dis haunted galley. I kn owed som pun 
wuz goin' to happen de ole man. 

Oh, now I lay nie down to sleep, 

Its tieece wuz wiiitc ez snow, 
An' ebbry whar dat Mary went, 

I hope de Lo'd my sou I'll take. 
(Plucks up a little coura^^e.) Git off dai clean scrubbed 
deck! Wat yo want in my galley? Go on out now, fo' 
dar's trubble. (Aside.) l.o'd! Wish I had a good drink 
ob square-face. (Aloud.) Yo doan Know me, but yo will 
know me! Go on away. (Looks timidly around and sees 
them. Hops to his feet.) What! niggas! W'at yo want in 
heah? (Advancing on them.) Tiefs! Robbas! Intelopas- 
Lootas! Git out o' dis, fo' I knock yo down wid de hind leg 
o' Judas! *Spose Tse a playin fo' niggas to come in danc- 
rn' on my clean scrubbed decK. W'at! Come in heah yt'id 
dem big lindafcet o' yournl What! I cut yo hart out an' 
throw'i in yo eye! W^'at \'o want in heah? Whar yo conie 
from? I teoch yo co'nficl' niggas some mannas, yo come 
roun' whar I is. Fo' de Lo'd! w'ats de matta wid yo black 
sons-ob sauce-pans cnnways? (They get down on their 
knees in reverential manner and crawl to him, and Kiss his 
feet, exclaiming "The Great Prophet! The True Prophet! 
The True Prophet foretold by our wise men. At last he 
is among us.") True Prophet? Well. 1 hope I may never 
seethe bacK ob necK! W'at in de Debbie is dem niggas 
up to? I'se got dem good an' bluffed, enny how. 

Blacks. True Prophet, we bow down before th«^e, kiss 
thv feet! 



lOl 

Dodge. (Aside.) Kiss my feet? I aint took my Rush- 
i.m buth yet, dis trip. (Aloud.) Wat yo niggas about 
enny how? 

Bl\ck:5 It has lojii^ been foretold that the True Proph- 
et would this year come tu us in a ship from the east. Ha\^- 
iag ont^ g ime leg. You are tliat Prophet; come with us. 
You .•shall be King! 

UoDGE. i'rue Prophet? King? What! I'se a bigga' man 
dad olc Grant! — Shoo! Yo's foolen' niggas! Who is you 
enn\ how? 

Nativk. Oh it's a true bill! You're the True Prophet 
We've been h>oking for. My name is Wiggins; I was True 
Prophet here for a while, but they twigged my game, and 
threw me out on my neck. 

Dodge. Um! Well, w'at is dis yar billet ob true proph- 
et? VV^hat Kind oba pay-day does he draw? How many 
cases a month is dar in't? 

Wig. The royal treasury is ten times the size of this 
ship, filled chock-ablock with stacks of "twenty-rolls", but- 
ter-tubs full of gold quids, and suffrens, and dump-cans 
of gold candle sticks, and more boodle than you can shake 
a sticK. at, and you carry the Key yourself. 

Dodge. What! Dog-baskets full ob >'ellow-bo)'s an' 
loot! (Immediately changing to a serious tone.) Um! 
W^ell, how is de country off fo' squar'face? 

Wig. How? Squar'face, I don't Keteh on to that word. 

Dodge. Squar'face! — Rum! — Rum! Nigga' rum! Don't 
tell me dey don't Know w'at rum is in (h's countr)? (wilts.) 

WiG, Rum? Why lialfthe country's afli^at with it! Rum! 
Wall I should wlgtrlc to snic?-t{Ie! (Warbles in a bad tenor, 



102 

*'Ruml rum! Jamaica Rum"[01ivette,] 

Dodge. Well, dis is de country I'se bin a looken' fo'l 
Yo' ain't got a "pocKet-pistol" 'long vvid yo', hab yo'? 

Wig. Oh yes. I've most ahva\ s preiu- generally pot a 
little for in case ofsicKness, } ou know. (Hands bottle.) 

Dodge. (Taking long pulls at the bottle.) Yah! Yah! 
What! dat's de ole ginuine! True Prophet'.s billet's hey? 
Well, if I ain't stinKen'-hile'n' in 'bout five minm'ts, den I 
ain't no True Prophet, das' all! Come on, \\ iggins!--you 
an' yo' pahdna! (Setting his plug-hat on, over his eye.) I 
always thought dat I wuz a king in disguise; an' now I 
know who I is! Come! make a move dar; pick up dat chest, 
an' come on! I'll shew em all who dey bin foolen' wid dis 
passage! — come huntin' SnahKs in my country, will dey? 
ril show 'em! — de bloody tiefs! robbas'! hidebindas'! inta- 
lopas'! lootars! What! (Wiggins and partner pirK up the 
chest by the handles, and walk up to Dodge, as he is taK- 
ing a drink, seat him upon it, and bear him off.) 

[Curtain.] 



ACT V. 

Seene on Shore in the. Siuirl: Countni— Interior of Royal Palare— Roof Sup- 
ported bif Chovnmi Polni 2WeH—A Mmaive Throne of Burnished Gold 
— B^rharii' Decoration.'^ of Spem\<, Shiehh, Trophies, &c.~Enter 
Prof'i^sion of yative.<, hcatinij Tiiui-Tuiiis and Playing a Tri- 
aniphal March upon Natice fn.-^truntents and Strewim/ 
FharerH— -They Shout hi Choiu^, Keepinq time uith 
Music — Music iitri!:e.i up "iv7//(/ of the ('ava^-»' - 
bed Islands^' — Enter Diodyene.^, tiivpin;. , vith 
a Croum on his head and supported by 
Wiggins — All bow down and cry out 
^'Lmg Live the True Prophet."' 

Doi GK. (Seating himself on throne, and eocKing ii}) bis 
leg, ) What! I'se as happy as a dead pig in de sun-shine. 
I'se de king ob JoUygumbo at las"! Yah! Yah! 

(A black enters throwing coin to crowd; Dodge lorgets 
himself, and jumps down, ami scrambles for it — Wig. pulls 
him back to throne, and whispering to him— Dodge is 
bt-nt on getting some however — his eyes very big.) Wa'ts 
de mattah wid you, Wiggins? Dey's a gitten' all ob it. 

Wig. They are but throwing backsheesh to the plebs. in 
lionor of Your Highness's coronation — a few paltr}- tKi4e- 
"wx/'d. .liars out of Your Highness'es vast, and inexhaustible 
treasury. 

DouGE. Yes, Ithottliein wuznuthun but trade-dollahs. 
Das' w at I went down dar to find out. Tell 'im to throw 
'em yaller boys an' gole quids — Das' de kine ob a king I is. 
— heah Wiggins, two o' three dog br.skets fuH'll be enufl". 
An' heah, (recalls him.) yo' mite fetch me in a few dozen 
o' so. (Aside.) It maKes a man feel betta, to have a few 
quid in his. pocket, if he is a King, 'speshly dese da}'s. 



104 

(Vizer salaams, and exit-Enter a herald. 

Herald. There are prisoners ol a white race without. 

Dodge. All rite, my son, fetch 'em in acco'din to de 
arorus an, de demonstrashun! (Exit Herald.) 

Enter soldiers with Bellman, Barrister, Beaver, mermaids, 
Resistance, Venu.s, &c; They carry bars of soap, mortar 
and pestle, pavvn-broKers' three-balls, &c.) 

Dodge. Fo' de Lu'd! w'at you Nihilists want a comen' 
heah in my country? 

Hop. (In American clothes, and drunk.) Hello Cook! 
Alle same Melican man — hair cut shlot, an'dlunK Hkc hell! 

Dodge. Six months! Call de iiex' case! I'll bust de 
stinK-pots fo' de Chinese Empire! (Hop is led out.) 

(Resist, starts "Peekaboo" upon his screech-whistle.) 

Dodge. Heah, take dat boy to afuh'nahtuah stoah, an' 
git a cushion sewed on do boosum oh his pantsi-hab't put 
on tifjht-no diffunce ifde)- sticks him a little. (Guards 

try to sieze Resist, when he upset.s them on all sices; but- 
ting vicious. They fall liKe rows of brick.) 

Resist. Yo' don't put no cushion on me! Oh no! I'se 
a little New Yo'k moke, I is! an' yo'd betta not come at 
me wid none ob yo' nonsense! I'll cave in yo' bred basKets! 

What! I'se 'shamed ob sich soljas as you is- can't go an' 
get a bo)! Resistance' I make yo' Gin'ral in Chief ob de 
W'holeahmy! (Turning to others.) Now, yo' Hidebindas, an' 
Nihilists! w'at yo' got to say fo' yo'seffs? [Exit Resist.] 

Bell. We are a crew of honest, well meaning Snark- 
hunters, hunting the snark. 

Dodge. Yo's de vvu'st lot ob mumseys ebba 1 seed to- 
gedda! I reckon yo' ketcbed de.Snuhk, didn't yo'? 



10 



Bi'LL. VVc suLi-htit with tiiimbles-We sought it with 
care; 
We pursued it with forks, and hope; &c., 
We shuddered to thiul: that the chase might fail, 

And the Beaver, excited at last, 
Went hopping along on the tip of its tail, 
I^\)r the daylight was nearly past. 

Dodge. 'Rah fo' de beava! Go on! 

Bell. There is Thingunnbob shouting! somebody said, 
He is shouting like mad, only hark! 
He is waving his hands, he is wagging his head, 

He has certainly found a SnarK! 
We gazed in delight, while the Baker exclaimed 

'He was always a desperate wag!' 
We beheld him— our Fry-me— our hero un- 
named — 
On the top of a neighboring crag. 

Erect and sublime, for one moment of time. 

In the next, that wild figure we saw 
As if stung by a spasm, plunge into a chasm. 

While we waited and listened in awe. 

Jt'saSnark!' was the sound that first came to 
our ears, 

And seemed almost too good to be true. 
Then followed a torrent of laughter and cheers; 

Then the ominous words T'ts a Boo.!' — 

Dodge. (Hair on end.) Fo' de Lawd! 



io6 

Bell. Then silence, some fancied they heard in the air 
A weary and wandering sigh 
That sounded like 'jiim!' but the others declare 
It was only a breeze that went by. 

We hunted till darkness came on. but we fc;und 
Not a button, or feather, or niarK, 

By which we could tell that we stood on the 
ground 
Where Fry-me had mej; with the Snark. 

la the midst of tiie word he was trying to say, 
In the midst of his lau<jhter and o-lee, 

He had softly and suddenly vanished away, 
For the Snark WAS a Boojum, you see. 

Dodge, So yo' done sKcered up a Boojum, did yo? I 
tlio't yo' all wuz foolen' whar )'(>' had no biznuss. Praise 
de Lawd, de res' ob us is safe an' soun'! But yo' all in a 
good country now, wid plenty Jamaica rum an' Squar'face! 
an' I'se ole King Cole, dat called io' liis fiddlahs three! So 
step out Venus! (Jumping from throne ) an' we'll show 'em 
how to knock out de splintahs! Come on cbbrydod)-, an' 
w'll tacKle de ole New Cleans' 'SKeedaddle'! Start de ball 
Venus! an' vvc'll hab a regla ole cotton-hoin'-jubilee! 

(All the chief characters form in line, with Venus at the 
head; each sing a verse in order, and follow Venus around 
stage in a hoppity skip-foHow-your Irader-walk-around to 
the measure of the chorus of "doo-dahdy doo^'. Resist- 
ance enters, wearing a drum major's cap, and sword, with 
a huge bass-drum, which he punishes badly to the time, as 
they sing The report of a cannon, accompanied by the 



I07 

alarm-beat on a drum is heard without- -Resistance rushes 
out, but enters immediately on a full retreat, and badly 
broke up.) 

Resist. Mistah Chief Cook, de BOOJUM'S a comin'! 
an' can't be stopped! (Kxit Resist hurriedly in opposite 

direction Dodge yells **What!" de Boojum a comen'! 
jumps down, and gets behind the throne--all rush out ex 
cept the Bellman, wiio awaits his fate manfully wringing 
his bell Enter Philena, an all broke-up mermaid; 

she chargs the Bellman with ' Oh here you are! I have got 
you at last have I? you old fat rascal you!" The Bellman 
striices a two-minute gait, and leads her a few laps around 
the stage, in great agitation, and sinks exhausted upon the 
throne, on right-front of stage. '1 he "slides" instantly 
cut off the scene and Philena; a transformation occurs at 
the same instant, and the bacK of throne turns over, form- 
ing the class-room table, at whieh, the transformed Profes- 
sor sits sleeping, as left by the prologue. The clock strikes 
Nine slowly' and loudly. The Professor snores uneasily. 
Enter Diogenes, the janitor, with a lantern.) 

DioGKNES Well, ef heah aint Pa'fessa Bonny- gone to 
sleep in his cha'r! He don't want to be sleepen' in lieah, I 
know. (Touehes him on the shoulder, when Prof, jumps 
to his feet, with loud cries of Boojum! Boojum! Take 'er 
away! TaKe 'er off!- -frightening Diogenes badly.) 

Prof. (Awake) Hello, Diogenes! that you?--got,a 
lantern too! Thats according to Hoyle! And looking for an 
^honest man. What's the matter, Diogenes? Did I scare 
you? I must have been dreaming! Was I hollowing? 

Diogenes. Wuz yo' holleren"? Well, jes' look a heah, 



Pa'fcssa Bonnv, efebba you scahrs nie liice dat agin, yo'll 
hab ole Dodgenese dead on yo' liaii's to bern'! Das' all! 

Prof. Diogenes, I want to ask you a question: Were 
you ever a sea-cook? 

Diogenes. Measeacookl I nebba wuz cbben out on 
de wide-open ocean onct in my life!~\v'at a quesshun to ask! 

Prof Well, that settles it! This is a very queer world 
Diogenes. (Exit Prof, skipping, and singini; 'SKeedaddle') 

Diogenes. (Standing mystified.) Um! Well, yes! dis 
IS one hell ob aquahr wo'ld! (Sees flasK upon table, and 
takes it up unscrews stopper, an'^ V.^Adz to his nose.) Uml 
(Shakes his head.) Dat do settle it, Pafessa! Since man to 
man is so unjust, I cannot tell what man to trust! (Turns 
flasK up to his mouth- Orchestra striKes up "She was my 
first," as the curtain rings down, changing quickly into 
^'SKeedaddle," playing the music of chorus with bass-drum 

accompaniament.) 

[finis.] 




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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

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